Eighteen days from now, I’m turning twenty-two. People ask me, especially my relatives, if I have finally found the one. There’s this family friend of ours who I treat like an uncle. Whenever we come to visit them, he asks me, “Do you have a boyfriend? Look at me in the eyes [so I know you’re not lying].” Then I always look at him straight into his pupils down to his cornea, “Wala pa po.” [I have none – yet.]
I wonder why me being single is such a big deal for them. As if I am always lying or I am hiding a guy under my skirt [tho I don’t usually wear skirts]. Contrary to their common belief, I am not that confident like how I actually look like. Insecurities, frustrations, and some sort of depressions hurdle my way to entering that kind of relationship.
There were times that I am longing for somebody to hug, a shoulder to cry on, a nose to pinch, a pair of cheeks to lay my hands on, a pair of eyes who can look at me directly and without a doubt see the real me, a pair of feet to traverse the world with, hands who’ll caress my fingers not for the sake of sweetness but for the sake of intuition, and a heart which will make my heart flutter unconsciously, subconsciously and never intentionally.
That is how I view romantic relationships – never intentional. You love a person not because you want to but because it just happened. You never force to love; you never force to be loved.
One of my closest friends asked me during our usual movie-gossip night, “Do you believe that a girl is single because it is either she is intimidating or she is just physically unlikable?” I frowned in disapproval, “Who told you that?” She laughed, “One of my [male] professors.” I paused and asked myself, why am I single?
I pursed my lips once and then smirked a bit before finally giving a shot of a demure smile. There’s a lot in my head and I know I have an answer to that frivolous but never absurd question.
I am single because I don’t believe in the saying that we must look for someone who can complete us. That romanticist line influenced by movies and cliché American films – “You complete me.” We will never be complete but we can always be complete enough. We shall commit into a relationship not for the longing of completeness but because we want to share our completeness with someone who is complete enough. We don’t call love a jigsaw puzzle because we have a missing piece. We consider it a jigsaw puzzle because we know that the pieces are already complete from the beginning, we just have to arrange it accordingly. Therefore, I am single because I am still on the verge of being complete enough.
I am single because I don’t see love as a trial and error analogy. You open up yourself not to “try” if the relationship will work. Then if it fails you’ll consider it an error? This reminds me of my physics class wherein we tackled about different kinds of error – systematic and random errors. I wonder where error of falling in love should fall under. We call it “falling” in love because you never planned for it to happen. If you are not sure about it, then you are not really “falling” for it. And if you “try” to fall in love, then it is no longer falling in love but jumping in love. Therefore, I am single because I haven’t really found myself falling for someone so surely.
I am single because I want a real commitment. To find a man who might not be your best friend, but is always your best company. A man who will treat you not like a queen nor a princess whom they fear but a woman of respect and decency whom they’ll cherish. A man who knows that love is not achieved by just physical attraction and lust but mainly by character and principles. A man who believes that sexual intercourse is not just an act of intimacy and pleasure but a language of two souls protecting, admiring, and treasuring each other. A man you know you can define the span of forever with. Therefore, I am single not because I have not found that man yet, but because I am not yet ready to be the woman of that man.
I am single because I believe that time is the only method that can keep the fire burning. You shall give your time to a person not because the person needs it but because you wholeheartedly want it to be given. You make time for each other not because you have to, but because you want to. Therefore, I am still single because I still lack the time [literally]. How can I give time for others if the time I give myself does not suffice the time I drastically needed?
Lastly, I am still single because I believe that romantic relationship is a matter of fair coexistence. Not merely “what you give is what you get” analogy but more of “what you get is because of what you give”. To love somebody is not to make someone happy per se, it is more of making yourself happy and then subconsciously making someone happy. To love is not to compare your past experiences to the current nor to expect or assume something more for the future. It is mainly to enjoy the existence of the present and feel the growing tender of current emotions. Therefore, I am single because I believe I have to diminish my insecurities, frustrations, and depression on my own so that when I finally meet that significant one, I know I can coexist fairly with him.
“Do you believe that a girl is single because it is either she is intimidating or she is just physically unlikable?”
Without a bit of hesitation, my answer is neither. I am single because I choose to be single. Not because I claim to be independent nor I’m in love with the idea of being alone [come on let’s be honest here], but because I know I’m not ready yet. We will never be completely ready but we can be ready enough. I believe that sooner or later I will reach the state of being ready enough. Also, romantic relationship is neither a gamble nor a game wherein there’s a winner and a loser. It is a state of being composed by two people who share their hearts unconsciously, subconsciously, but never intentionally.