I have to get this off my chest, this unpopular opinion, this freakish, outlandish idea that makes people recoil in horror: Do Not Get Married. I should add as an aside- do not get married if you have any doubt at all.
Many people have told me how wrong I am, that marriage is the best possible thing next to having a child, and a little doubt here and there is just fine, but it seems that society’s natural progression of life events isn’t so natural at all.
I use the word “natural” to denote something that is supposed to-and will eventually-happen. Marriage isn’t something that is just done because you have finished college and are “ready to take the next step”. It is not to be taken lightly, and yet, it seems that our society willfully ignores this. It also ignores the fact that it takes two very special people to create a successful marriage.
What do I mean by successful? What do I mean by “special people”? A good marriage requires two people who are efficient communicators, practiced listeners, emotionally stable, and mesh on a very personal level. If you find yourself in a volatile relationship with little understanding on both sides and nothing to anchor you, the reality is the relationship is doomed. I can explain what I mean through some examples.
My sister Di and her husband had doubts from the beginning of their relationship. They had little in common: Di was independent , accomplished, family-oriented but not a very good communicator. Her husband, Ed, still lived with his parents, was just starting his career, was a loner by nature and was also a poor communicator. Di confessed she didn’t want to get married, but felt “it was too late to back out.”So the marriage went through and fell apart in only two years. Ed had cheated, stating “I never thought I actually wanted to get married”. Di was crushed, but seemed to recover rather quickly by dating a string of men while the divorce was being finalized.
This type of marriage is all too common. All the time I see couples that just shouldn’t be together and, yes, I know I shouldn’t speak about someone’s marriage if I don’t know what is actually going on behind closed doors. But I can guess and more often than not, I am right.
My other sister Cassie and her husband Andy have a solid marriage. They married later in life even though they had known each other for years. They had the same religion, same interests, same career type, good communication styles and most importantly, both were family-oriented and wanted to have lots of children. They meshed. They vibed, they clicked, they made sense on a fundamental level. Nearly a decade of marriage and they are still insanely into each other. It’s a successful marriage, which is an incredibly rare thing in our society.
Let me end with this: Do Not Get Married (if you have any doubts at all). If you and your partner do not get along now, marriage is not the answer to your problems. If you feel the spark is fading, marriage is not the answer. If you feel dread like a heavy stone in the pit of your stomach whenever you even think about your partner, marriage is not the answer. Don’t say yes, don’t feel pressured. Divorce isn’t fun for anyone- at least the tedious, expensive, legal proceedings aren’t.
Doubt isn’t a sign that everything is okay; it’s a sign that means quite the opposite.