I was an insecure, jealous, needy, clingy, freaky bitch from elementary through the early part of my university years. These traits always reared their ugly heads in friendships, sending many running in the opposite direction. I don’t blame them. Too many relationships were ruined because of me and my wacky personality.
Where did it start? Why did I feel like this? How do I overcome these character flaws? Those questions have taken over a decade just to address and I am still dealing with being, well, “a better person”. Self-improvement isn’t easy, but scaring people isn’t fun. At least not this kind of scaring people.
The first friendship I destroyed was in middle school. It was with a cool, laid back, compassionate person. I was incredibly jealous whenever she spent time with another girl whom I did not get along with very well. I put this friend through hell. Some days I would speak to her, others I would put up a cold wall, pretend she wasn’t there. I would accuse her of disloyalty, of making fun of me with her other friends. I would make her feel so awful she would often dissolve into tears. Yeah…I was fucking nuts. The last year of middle school was better between the two of us, but the damage was done.
There was the high school friendship that lasted through three years of university. I played the same games with this friend, but I realized my behavior was incredibly toxic and if I wanted the relationship to continue I would have to cut my shit out. So I did, until one fateful day when I opened my big fat mouth and insulted her boyfriend, her first love. Yeah… I was fucking nuts.
There was the guy who I had a crush on four years. He became frightened of my very possessive nature. I was so paranoid of losing him that I called him incessantly, texted him randomly to hang out, throwing a fit when he couldn’t. Of course that romance didn’t last long…. ’cause I was fucking nuts!
All through these relationships I was aware that my actions weren’t normal, weren’t acts of an emotionally stable person, but that didn’t curb my behavior. Now, that is insane. Today, it’s a different story. I still get a little jealous, become a little lonely and that loneliness makes me feel like doing crazy things. However, I have a system for dealing with these emotions and helping me make rational decisions.
First, I step back mentally and ask myself what I am feeling and why. After pinpointing what I am feeling, I see what my usual response to the situation would be and if it’s appropriate (it usually isn’t). I take a couple of minutes to breathe and take control of my emotions so that when I do finally act, it won’t be something I end up regretting.
I am ashamed that it has taken me so long to deal with my personal issues and that I’ve ruined so many relationships with great people. I am more ashamed that I have never apologized to the people I hurt, so I will say it here: I am sorry for being fucking nuts.