Thought Catalog

10 Old Journal Excerpts I Never Noticed Scream ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ Until I Was Diagnosed

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Vadim Timoshkin

1.

August 23, 2014

“Deep down, I don’t think I’ll ever truly have a best friend because as soon as someone else gives me attention and makes me feel cared for and validated, they immediately become my ‘best friend,’ and I leave the other person behind. Everything at the end of the day is about attention, about who can give me the closest thing to feeling self-worth since I don’t know how to feel worthy on my own. I’m slowly coming to terms that I’m just not a good person.”

2.

September 14, 2014

“I don’t know, is there a mental illness for just being super inconsistent with your views and opinions and basically everything that makes a person who they are? If so, sign me the hell up.”

3.

May 12, 2015

“You know what the worst thing is about just … existing I guess? It’s the moments I feel so exhausted and so tired of trying to figure out who the hell I really am. It’s like I’ll be looking at my outfit, the one that SCREAMS my style, or I’ll be listening to the newest song that’s my ‘favorite’ at the moment or I’ll hear myself laugh the laugh that everyone else seems to think is so contagious and then all of a sudden out of nowhere, the illusion is shattered and I realize that this is all so fake and I’m back to square one with my chameleon ass and no idea who I really am.”

4.

July 2, 2015

“It’s just the attention he’s giving me and the slightest bit of interest he’s shown; it means absolutely nothing to him. I already know that but I feel myself becoming more and more obsessed and I don’t know what to do from here. Even if I did, I still don’t think I’d make any effort to stop this from going further even though I know if it did go further, it would end up with me feeling hurt. Because at the end of the day, I would rather feel loved for even just a minute and feel hurt for months when it all goes down the toilet than to not feel loved at all and I hate myself so much for needing that attention and affection from men, but I do. I can’t live without it.”

5.

December 3, 2015

“Whenever someone asks me what I expect from therapy, I just go blank. Mainly, I just want to be able to get out of bed in the morning on days when I have nothing to do. I want to be able to take showers on my days off even if I’m just planning to climb into sweatpants immediately after. I want to get back into the habit of self-care. I don’t even think I know what that means anymore. But then sometimes, a lot of the time actually, it feels like only goal I actually have is to kill myself. But that’s something you don’t tell therapists. I don’t know how to articulate any of this when I actually have the chance to. So often I’m staring into the eyes of someone who actually has the power to help me, and I feel fine. And even though I know I’m not really fine, it’s not the type of suicidal feelings I experience when I’m by myself where I’m sobbing or staring at the ceiling for hours. Functional emptiness maybe? Is that even a thing? Maybe I’m just distracted? I don’t know, I feel like all my feelings do is contradict each other.”

6.

January 18, 2016

“We didn’t even have sex, which I’m not sure how I feel about it.  Once my underwear is halfway down, I always think ‘oh with this person, it’ll be different,’ but it probably wouldn’t have been. It would have hurt and felt really uncomfortable and I would have gotten that weird feeling, the same one I did when he had me get down on my knees and I wanted to throw up and hide under the blankets. It’s weird, in my head it’s almost like ‘hey since this body doesn’t even feel like yours half the time, might as well let anyone and everyone use it how they want.’ I don’t even know if that makes sense. In the beginning, there was a voice telling me ‘you do not want this to happen, stop this while you’re ahead,’ but I went ahead with it because I’m lonely and empty and so sad and every once in a while, it’s just really nice to be touched even if I don’t like the hands or even know the hands that belong to the person.”

7.

April 19, 2016

“I thought it was sex that I needed, the feeling of just being close with another person, to have someone inside of me for a good hour but that did happen tonight and I still feel as empty as ever and it’s just another name on a stupid list of boys who I thought would love me or at least could, but no.”

8.

April 24, 2016

“I went down on two guys within a span of 20 minutes and I felt really gross. It was probably the emptiest I had ever felt. I don’t know if it was the drugs and I was just too aware of what was going on to the point where I was just over thinking or what. Worthless. It’s the only word that’s coming to mind. I didn’t even wait for the last guy to finish. The fact that I’m calling him the “second guy” because I don’t even know his name. I can’t stop crying.”

9.

June 28, 2016

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this depressed before to the point where it has prevented me from showering. Today is Tuesday and I haven’t showered since Friday mid-morning/early afternoon. I can’t. It hurt to get out of bed, it hurts to talk. I haven’t eaten since Thursday and I don’t even feel hungry. I find myself having to read out loud just to remember what my own voice sounds like. J and I did talk yesterday on Facebook messenger, which was really nice. There’s something there, I know it. Maybe it’s all in my head and I’m just reading too much into a couple of smiles and him telling me to have a nice day. Probably.”

10.

August 13, 2016

“I need someone to stay. I feel like people are constantly running out of my life, not walking away, like they’re literally coming into my life and just sprinting. So suddenly too. And I feel like it’s almost better when their departure is sudden, because then I don’t really have time to cling, but still. I just want to call them and list all the ways I’m a good person, but then I stop myself because if I were a good person, they wouldn’t be leaving me!!” TC mark

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