Recently I’ve become a bar addict. Not necessarily a bar-hopping addict, more like a lets-get-to-know-all-bartender-names-at-one-bar sort of addict.This has become problematic to say the least.
Here’s some tips to help you out with the local bar syndrome; not necessarily to keep you away, but to keep you happy and others happy to see you walk in:
1. Never have sex with the hot bartender
2. If you are into a bartender, flirt hardcore. Do not fuck him. Because one day he might magically say, wait, now that I got it, I don’t need to give her free drinks.
3. This especially is relevant if you actually form feelings for the guy on the other side pouring the shots. He’s hot, funny, great with people (obviously the three reasons why he was hired), so of course he’s a catch. A catch that you really don’t want to reel in…
4. Never have sex with the bartender your friend thinks is hot. Yes, I have done this; in secret of course. Most bartenders just want to fuck, it’s a fact. My father, a former bartender, told me “bartenders just whore around”. My father is a very trustworthy man.
5. You never want to do my number two (sorry had to put a poop joke in somewhere) because you will go in every night and have a huge case of paranoia. He’s drunk, you’re drunk … the secret is bound to come out.
6. Or he’s going to flirt with you instead of your friend, and I’m pretty sure such friend won’t like that very much.
7. Never get too drunk Now this is an extremely hard one, I mean it is a bar. But if you want to be considered a regular, you will know how to limit yourself. You want to be friends with the bartenders not the toilet.
8. A bad rep at your local bar creates bad vibes from everyone. More than not, it’s the other regulars who will judge you and end up whispering about you.
9. Never leave your phone with a friend. This may be more of a story than anything else, but once I was so drunk (I forgot my number three rule) and fell asleep in the bathroom stall. The bouncer, an exact look alike of Ope from Sons of Anarchy for all you fans out there, had to climb the stall to get to me. This happens, whatever. BUT if I just had my phone, my friend wouldn’t have been scared shitless for 45 minutes looking for me. (Don’t worry, she wasn’t stupid. She called for me twice in the bathroom before I answered. Bring your phone everywhere.) If you don’t have alcohol poisoning, I’m almost certain a text can come out of you; even if it’s “in batgrom”.
10. Never have an Irish car bomb A mix of a Jameson and Baileys shot put in a three-quarters full Guinness pint? Just trust me on this one.
11. Never be too nice to older men.
12. For the nice girls out there who feel like they need to say hi to everyone who says hi back, sometimes ignoring someone is the best answer. You can either be talked for the rest of the night with this guy who thinks he knows more about Greek tragedies than you do when he was a computer science major and you are an English major. This means no luck flirting with the cute guy across the bar because there’s no way of getting out of the conversation.
13. Never wear a skirt. You will get tipsy and forget to close your legs.
14. Never miss the opportunity to go behind the bar. If the bartenders say you can go behind and pour a drink or two after hours, do not hesitate. Learn to pour shots if they let you, it is a privilege too great to pass up.
15. Yet, if they say you can go behind the bar just to go behind the bar, don’t. It will end in a butt smacking or an attempt to get a kiss of some sort.
16. Never leave without giving a great tip. This may be hard for the college kids in all of us, or the people who go to the bar as often as I do, but you have to. It’s a part of the US of A bar culture. Leaving a good tip means stronger drinks, more free shots with the bartenders, and a happier experience the next time you walk in.
If I helped the fellow local bar go-er in anyway. I’m glad. If not, just learn from all of my experiences at the age of only twenty-one. I’m sure tonight I will do something I regret and have another thing to add to the list…