I was so excited for 2018 to begin. I made a vision board (two, actually), rang in the new year with good friends, and went back to work. Things were good.
Then, something happened. I hit a wall. Or, if we want to be poetic, I fell down.
Over the past few weeks I’ve been in one of the biggest lulls I can remember- one of those lulls where I couldn’t even muster to write. This was probably one of the worst things I could have done, since writing is extremely therapeutic for me. There are many things that triggered this downfall- the snow days, the time off work, finances, breakups, issues with friends, and winter depression- but then I realized: I’ve also been kind of a jerk.
I’ve been hard on people as I have been going through this “spiritual awakening,” and I think I’ve been more depressed than I wanted to admit. So, as a defense mechanism, I’ve pushed people away and sat in my own misery.
As a “lone wolf,” I have insisted on handling situations by myself, spending time alone, and cutting people out of my life when things didn’t work my way.
But I can’t play the victim any longer.
It’s been no one’s fault but my own. There was a string of events that happened since the end of the year that continued to build up- one after another. Sure, some of the guys I dated hurt me, friends and I have gotten into arguments, and people have looked to me for support when I could barely support myself. However, that is no reason to be selfish, cut people out, or avoid support.
It’s time to put on my big girl pants and own up to my side of the street.
This isn’t easy to write… but I have recently started to learn that it’s okay to let people in. To really, truly let people in- not avoid phone calls, resist love, or decline invitations. I know I have written about relationships and support time and time again, but instead of just writing about it, I need to own it. I’ve learned over this past week that people are genuinely good, and do care about me. Nobody is perfect- and I am definitely not either.
We all have more similarities than differences.
I am confident that this hermit streak and wave of depression was placed into my life to make me even stronger for what is next. I’ve been so stubborn for so long that I couldn’t even see it until now.
I am sincerely sorry to all of the people I may have hurt, and I hope to become a better woman thanks to this lesson.
Life truly is beautiful.