I see you there on the floor, love, crumpled up, crying, discarded, and confused.
“How did this happen again?” You hear yourself asking.
You wonder where that perfect man from the beginning went when he was supposed to be the one who stayed. You look for all of the things in you that are wrong, you beat yourself up.
You see it as a failure when in reality it was just practice.
So what happened?
Did you fight with yourself after every fight with him, beating yourself up over why you had to be so sensitive, so difficult, and so unlovable?
Did you try to be different? Did you keep quiet after that, tried to smile through the pain more, lying to yourself and to the world, pretending like everything was ok? Did you try to be what you thought he wanted?
You spent more time in front of the mirror trying to be pretty. You laughed at all of his jokes. You gave every effort to impress his friends. If they loved you then he would too, right?
Did you look in the mirror and wonder who was looking back at you? Did you feel, all too often, like you were standing next to a shadow of yourself?
Well look back at her now, because she is you, unapologetically. She loved you enough to walk away, to move on, and to find a place where she can be herself. Where she can be you.
Because you are wonderful and beautiful and vibrant and sexy and smart and funny and intense and difficult and bewildering and confused and growing and trying and stumbling.
You are a light and he is just a moth.
You never have to do any convincing, cajoling, begging or pleading to get someone to love you. There are billions of people in this world who could love you more, but all you can see is the one who doesn’t.
What if you closed that door because it doesn’t serve you anymore? What if you trusted in the same unknown that brought you this love? What if you knew and believed that it could be even better behind a different door?
What if instead of the crippling prospect of forever, you just tackled today? What if you did that each day until you didn’t even realize you were doing it anymore and one day you come to realize you’re totally clean?
Then you’ll be free. Then you’ll turn around one day as a higher version of yourself and say thank you to that girl who persevered, took the high road, and who learned and became better, but did not grovel.
That’s real love.