Stop beating yourself up for why you held on to him for so long. You felt abandoned, and each day only worsened in overwhelming loneliness. His ability to move on felt like a betrayal, then sadness set in, and finally, you accepted the situation. Please see your ability to walk through this journey alone and face your pain is courageous. Through tremendous hardships comes enormous growth. When you are dealing with the shitstorm of emotions, it feels like someone is holding your head underwater and you are using all your energy to swim to the surface.
When we are five years old, most moments in our lives are happy, and it’s when something happens to us that makes us unhappy. Now we are unhappy people searching for something to make us happy. Somewhere along the way, that equation got reversed. The rejection felt like a reflection of our love. You gave everything you had in every sense of the word, and now you feel like something is wrong with you.
You spent hours looking for the perfect gift. You created beautiful words from your heart and poured them on paper for him. You held his hand, touched his face, and kissed him every chance you could because the magnetic attraction between you both was undeniable. You invested your time into learning all about him and falling in love with his family because they were a part of him. You supported his dreams, and they became your dreams as well. Falling in love was not easy for you, and once you do, you open your heart. You committed to him, and your word, your promise, and your respect continue to stay committed long after he leaves because that is who you are. You devoured all the moments you could share with him because feeling his presence around you was delicious.
It has been a great while since you looked in his eyes. He has moved on. You decided to charge through the battlefield of pain and tackle your innermost hurt, insecurities, and unworthiness and remain single. I believe you are brave to go this route in life. I know the loneliness gets unbearable, but you are finally depositing all of your love into yourself instead of another person.
We often look for a job, a relationship, technology, substances, money, food, or something to make us happy, but all of these are band-aids. No one person or thing on this planet can make us happy—it’s an inside job. All of these vices may be able to fill voids and pacify us for periods, but that lonely feeling will never go away without finding out who we are independent of anyone else.
This route is not easy, and there are so many days that your face is stuck to your pillow, drowning in tears. Keep getting up; keep getting out of bed. You must believe that the relationship ended for a reason, even if you gave it all that you had. You must take a few steps back and remove him from the pedestal that you placed him on.
Remember that brave people face battles head-on. It’s easy to monkey branch from a relationship or a marriage to someone new and feel the dopamine high rushing through your body. You may even equate this with love, but true love is never with another person—true love is with yourself. Be honest with yourself. Maybe he did this with you, and it’s a pattern because he can’t be alone. Either way, take your life back—take your control back.
People may tell you to move on, that he doesn’t deserve your tears and holding on to him is a waste of energy. You cannot truly move on until you heal your sadness, your loneliness, and your heart. It takes time, effort, setting goals, enjoying the moment, self-reflection, and respect for the falling apart process and getting back up. Always know that you are a deserving human being who naturally deserves love.
Maybe the wrinkles on your face are more defined and the gray hair is more abundant, but age is irrelevant. Chase each moment in your life with a fiery and enthusiastic optimism. Start to find the positives in your life, even when the negatives far outweigh them.
Sometimes it takes heartbreak to heal past wounds. It may feel like the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach is deepening, but I can assure you that at the same time, your heart, mind, and moral character are strengthening.
Smile a little bigger today and stop comparing yourself to anyone else. God made you whole, God made you beautiful, and a masterpiece in your own right. No one on this earth can replace you. Walk through your days with warrior confidence because you naturally deserve everything that your heart desires!
Your relationship with him ended. Stop trying to walk down that dark path of memories and choose another path. Have faith that God knows your pain and He will bring you to where you need to be. I am not here to candy coat this journey—it fucking sucks, but it is also an amazing opportunity to create your life. I promise you that you are the stronger one in this equation.