Well, here I am, God, praying for a miracle, praying for your Divine hands to reach down from the Heavens and take the burden of this pain from me. Year after year, I have struggled to finally get to a place of peace, a place where life wasn’t so hard. I started making plans, believing in myself, seeing the light at a very long, tumultuous tunnel. My life was turning around from hardship, and I was able to cherish my successes and be grateful. I no longer believed that you hated me, or even worse, had it out for me.
I started to believe in the power of thought and my ability to change circumstances, no matter how bleak. My existence became about even more than myself, it became about fulfilling a purpose. I was pursuing my dreams, aspirations, and having faith, no matter which road it led me down. I had an unwavering belief in love and good prevailing over evil.
Unfortunately, I had a tower moment, a moment where I reached the bottom in what seemed to be an endless pit. How do I rise from the ashes? How do I continue when all I want to do is sleep and stay asleep? Anxiety, doubt, fear, and every gut-wrenching feeling you can imagine has paralyzed my body. I am crippled in grief and sadness. Hopelessness rushes through me like a lightning rod, and I am overwhelmed with depression. The room is dark, the shades are drawn, and my thoughts linger in repetitive cries for help.
I don’t want to give in to this. Is there a lesson to be learned and a bright light of redemption down the road that I can’t see? Is this battle I am facing going to bring me justice? What is the alternative? To give up? I think I have one last fight inside me. I have been through too much in my life to surrender to this pain.
I am scared. What will the outcome be? My tears are engulfing my soul. I must push on, no matter the conclusion. I believe there is a reason for everything. I trust that sometimes we must let go and let God. Sometimes we see people living happy lives, abundant in everything, and we wonder why we can’t share in this. I know many of us make mistakes, travel down broken paths, and have the hand of faith continue to bring us through storms, but there must be serendipity.
I believe that we all have two channels in our brain—the positive channel and the negative channel. I am choosing to find the positives in this difficult situation. I am choosing to see the silver lining. I am choosing to take control of my emotions, because I am the master of my mind. No matter what the external environment is, I have the freedom of how I will respond to it. I have taken myself out of the blame game. No matter what I did, no matter what someone did to me, no matter what my environment is, I alone cultivate my negative thoughts. I am taking responsibility for myself and not allowing any circumstances to control my mood, actions, or destiny. I am choosing to be temperance in a tidal wave of desperation.
Well, here I am, God, praying for a miracle, knowing that your Divine hands have already reached down from the Heavens and taken the burden of pain from me. I know there is one last storm to endure before you grace me with my miracle. I will not give up! I will not give in! I will persevere and triumph over any obstacle and win at life. Thank you for allowing me to feel sad and then giving me the courage to carry on.