Once there was a house full of laughter and giggles, little handprints on the windows, and toys everywhere. Once I could barely sit down for five minutes without being tugged by little souls who wanted my undivided attention, and now there is deafening silence. I went from holidays once full of family and food, sporting events, school engagements, and weekends of playdates to wondering how to fill my days to hold back the tears of loneliness.
I went from dreams of the family we would create and someday a life of retirement surrounded by children and grandchildren to divorced and paralyzed by sadness. How is it that life took this turn? How did my visions of a beautiful life go down a dark, dreary path instead? Was it something that I said or did that changed the trajectory of my future? Is this the way it is supposed to be—scared and lonely, fearing it will stay this way?
How do I not fall into the abyss of darkness? How do I wipe my tears and continue with a brave face, waiting for the portal of good luck and abundance? How do some people have the ability to shake it off and start a new life?
Sometimes I feel like there was a generational curse put upon my family, and I was the sacrificial lamb brought to pay the ultimate price. I’ve made every adjustment in my life to be a model person, focus on my talents, and be grateful, but somewhere along the way, love shut the door in my face. Life has blessed me with so many amazing things except that intimate love and connection to someone that lasted the test of time. The ejection and rejection always came around like a bad penny showing its ugly face, followed by the overwhelming sadness of abandonment.
Today I am sad, I am angry, and I am drowning in the emotional toilet drain of “Why me? What is wrong with me? And why am I not good enough?”
I want to scream. I deserve love, I deserve to be happy, and today is a bad day!
How do people move forward and forget the past? How do people flip a switch and be in a state of happiness? There is so much drug and alcohol abuse. So many people cheat on their partners to satisfy their immediate needs. There is so much lying, stealing, and disregarding human life. There are addictions, compulsions, disorders, and limitations that keep us down in life, and all of these vices mask our true selves and put a band-aid over our sadness.
Why is love not here for me? Am I missing the big picture? Am I acting selfishly for wanting that one person in my life? I feel so guilty when we live in a world where people are sick, dying, and struggling, and I am complaining.
Please forgive me today for not taking the high road, for allowing my emotions to get the better of me. Forgive me for feeling overwhelmed and drowning in a sea of sadness. Allow me today to feel like shit so that tomorrow I can wake up with fresh eyes and take two steps forward.
Life is a roller-coaster; it has ways of taking you down and making you feel like you are not enough. I am enough, you are enough, and I will chant those words in my head until I believe them. I will wake up tomorrow and see a beautiful sunrise and drink coffee that tastes like gold. I will go for a long walk and marvel at nature’s beauty with my healthy body carrying me. I will kiss and hug my children and tell them I love them. I will breathe in good thoughts and positivity to know that true love is coming my way.
I had a bad day today, and now it’s over. Tomorrow the sun will shine, and I will have a great day!