When do you know that you’ve emerged from heartbreak? When do you know when you’ve finally healed from your past? When do you know when you’ve finally gotten through the worst of it? Is there a defining moment? Is there an “aha” moment of clarity? Is there a day you just decide “fuck it” and your emotions follow? Is there some divine light that shines on you and erases all of your fear, doubt, insecurity, and loneliness? Do you meet someone that fixes all of your broken pieces and mends your heart?
I think for me, it’s been 10 years of losing my shit, losing my focus, finding my tribe, getting my heart broken, setting goals, and finally finding my inner peace. Maybe for some people, it’s a different story or journey they must go on to find the authentic person they’re meant to be. For some of us, that journey takes longer than others. For me, setting goals was a way to keep moving forward, but it also detoured me from the underlying issues and trauma that I needed to deal with that were bubbling to the surface at the wrong time.
Sometimes memories were triggered out of nowhere that I kept hidden by my subconscious mind and uncontrollable emotions and tears escaped from wounds not yet healed. I finally realized that feeling those moments of raw emotion are not steps backward but steps forward. Feeling those emotions were steps I needed to bring about the metamorphosis of my soul. I have no trouble accomplishing major goals in my life and finally realizing my talents, but digging into the root of my biggest fears has been a major roadblock that stunted my progression. Zeroing in on what gives me the greatest anxiety but also chasing what I wanted most in this life, which is to be loved, has brought me to the depths of despair.
Feeling lonely is one of the hardest emotions for me to go through. Feeling lonely has brought me to my knees, begging God to make things better or finally bring me to my final resting place. Feeling lonely has catapulted me to achieve success, but it has also triggered my feelings of being abandoned and unloved. Feeling lonely has made me feel isolated, scared, and clawing to find another person to fill that void. Feeling lonely has taken me to multiple bottoms and brought me to a place of self-loathing and self-doubt. Feeling lonely has made me do the internal work on myself to NOT depend on another person’s opinion to determine self-worth. Feeling lonely has brought me to a level of confidence to understand myself and the way my brain and heart work to cope with my past and find value in my existence.
The years of my life have been marked with very hard lessons, abuse, neglect, abandonment, true courage, friendship, loyalty, amazing people, and a fucking warrior mentality that has launched me into self-love. There has NOT been a defining moment but rather a lifetime of moments that finally propelled me to a place of peace. For me, it has been 10 years of peaks and valleys, multiple rock bottoms, and a whole existence of lessons. For me, it was a recognized week without tears, millions of robotic affirmations, living in the moment, watching my children emerge into amazing young adults, and finally giving myself credit for the independent and strong woman I AM.
For me, I found true love and that “soulmate” in myself. I did the years of hard work and peeled back the agonizing pain in my heart to get to the center of who I am. There was no defining moment to happiness, it was truly taking a leap of faith, having hope, forcing myself to be positive, and investing in ME. I could have easily turned to another person to lean on, but I knew that I needed to go down that lonely harder road and make that choice to believe in me, independent of anyone else. Life is a little lighter now, a little happier and a little bit freer. Someday soon, you will hear about my upcoming marriage to the most amazing man, not because I need him, but because I deserve it!