It’s been almost a year since he left and today has been rough, to say the least. I understand these days will show up like an unwelcome relative on your day off, but I am drained of feeling depressed. I look at people who can move forward so quickly and easily, almost like a train going from destination to destination, picking up and dropping off new people. I am more like the turtle trying to cross a major freeway and getting run over by every car passing by.
Why is my body wired to replay amazing memories over and over? Why do songs make me cry, and why do I always feel like a third wheel at social functions? I am proactive with my emotions, I see a therapist, I write in a journal, I stay busy, I keep fit, I eat healthily, and I set goals, but I am sliding down a rabbit hole of memories and “what ifs.” Every morning I wake up before the light hits my window and my anxiety hits full force. It’s unwarranted and unwanted, but no matter how much I meditate or go on a morning run, it always surfaces.
Realistically, I know that he had tremendous flaws, that I deserve so much better, but I still miss him. I still want to call him whenever anything happens in my life. He is still my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. I am angry at myself for continuing this one-sided love affair. Friends with the utmost love and protectiveness in their heart will ask if I just miss the idea of him and not him. To that question, I can answer emphatically, “No!” I miss him, his tenderness, and the way he looked at me. I miss the noises he made clearing his throat in the morning and the way he reached over to pull me close. I miss his morning notes that said, “I love you, beautiful,” or the texts to let me know he arrived home safely. I miss our conversations that lasted into the night and the silly humor that made us laugh. I miss the crazy fun dancing in the kitchen or by the bonfire listening to music. I miss that we were so magnetically drawn to each other—we couldn’t stay away from each other even in a crowded room. I miss the passion and affection between us and the world’s best hugs that only he could give. I miss the blue in his eyes and the vulnerability he showed me when he was hurting. I miss how he held my hand and always greeted me with a kiss when he saw me. I miss the look on his face when he would show up with flowers and he was so excited to give them to me. I miss him and the love and support he gave me; I adored him and I still do.
Saying all this and seeing it in writing shows me how much I put him on a pedestal, how much I valued him over myself, but how do I let go? How do I stop loving him? How many more months or years do I have to struggle with his absence? I know that I need to trust God and myself and put myself back out there again, but the feeling is paralyzing. Believe me, I’ve tried, but all I do is compare every prospective man to him, and they never measure up.
Maybe it’s okay to feel this way and the pressure I put on myself with society’s constraints for a timeline of when I should move on is bullshit. Maybe this journey of pain is me going headfirst through the shit storm, and the person I am emerging is one of strength and grace. God, I hope so, because this isn’t my first rodeo with healing from heartbreak, but this one hurts my heart the most. All I can say looking back is I marvel at all I have accomplished, and the longing in my heart and gut is no longer there, but I have rough days. I know that through this journey of emotional vomit and sadness it will be worth it when I see the man that God has planned for me. Maybe I am walking through this lonely tunnel with my eyes wide open, with my heart wide open and a hope that will prevail. I know that I will be okay because I am okay right now. Thank you, God, for the many blessings in my life. I am ready to take that next step in life, but please guard my heart and protect me, because I deserve the love that I give be returned to me a hundredfold.