If I Knew It Was Going To Be The Last Time I Saw You

If I knew it was going to be the last time I saw you, I would have hugged you a little bit tighter. If I knew it was going to be the last time I saw you, I would have stayed awake and kissed you longer. If I knew it was going to be the last time that I saw you, I would have reminisced and stayed up all night dancing and listening to music. If I knew it was going to be the last time that I saw you, I would have told you how much I loved you and not held back my feelings. If I knew it was going to be the last time that I saw you, I would have studied your face so I could remember every detail. If I knew it was going to be the last time that I saw you, I would have thanked you for all the love you brought into my life. But you knew it was the last time I was going to see you, and I didn’t.

If you knew it was going to be the last time that you saw me, why couldn’t you have taken more time to look into my eyes and embrace me? If you knew it was going to be the last time that you saw me, why couldn’t you have given me one more bouquet of flowers? If you knew it was going to be the last time that you saw me, why couldn’t you have tried harder, loved more, and followed through with the person I believed you to be? If you knew it was going to be the last time that you saw me, why couldn’t you have said that you were sorry and held me just a little longer? If you knew it was going to be the last time that you saw me, why couldn’t you have just left me with one more “I love you,” one more dance to our favorite song? Instead, you left me with an emptiness in my gut that filled my mornings and nights with tears.

Things ended for you and you didn’t say much of anything, but I could see there was a story behind your eyes. For so long, you put me on a pedestal; you encouraged me in times of weakness and supported my dreams. Something changed for you along the way and you became distant. You pulled away and didn’t include me like you did before. I didn’t have the confidence or the self-worth to say to you that you were breaking my heart, so I held on, believing that God would hear my prayers. I wished that I had the courage to tell you that you were my best friend, my anchor in life, and that being in your arms felt like I was finally home. I wanted to tell you that even though I had been married before and had been in other relationships, you were the only man I truly loved.

Your silence said more than any words possibly could. It’s been almost a year and there are days that the silence is deafening. I imagine you living this happy, adventurous life and looking at the new person with the same love and adoration you once had for me. I daydream thinking of all the songs you dance to now with her and the endless nights you stay up laughing and talking. Does she wipe your tears and nurture your soul like I did? Does she kiss you passionately and smile every time you enter the room? Does she tell you her deep dark hurt in her soul because she trusts you like I did?

Maybe I really don’t want to know what you’re doing or with who. Maybe for once I need to feel important and irreplaceable. Maybe the memory of me is haunting your heart and mind because I am unforgettable and worthy. Maybe you really did love me and now you feel that hurt and longing in your heart. Maybe this is how I choose to remember the end to that story.

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