There are days when this hits a little too deep. My mind drifts and ponders upon the hours I spend alone all the time and yes, I’m busy. I have things to do but I think I’ve always prioritized my relationships a little too much.
I could be busy all day but he’ll always be at the back of my mind. It’s a blessing and a curse because sometimes when you think of your s/o too much, you hope and wish for them to do the same for you. And what happens when it’s not like that? What happens when things fall short and time and space gets in the way? It’s not their fault anyways. Cause even though there’s no solid proof or explanation as to what’s the real problem here, you’re in pieces and I guess the only way to deal with this feeling is to do something about it all by yourself (heh, what’s new here?!)
What I do when I miss you a little too much:
My mind becomes an old-school tape recorder, which rewinds and fast-forwards memories whenever I want. I think of how you just came into my life; all the wooing and all the chivalry. I think of your sweaty palms against mine and the sneaky kisses you give me, catching me off-guard. My mind drifts back to the day I first met you and how my heart let out a sigh of relief, “Finally.” But I guess if it helps, I just think of your smile and how your eyes glisten when you look at me through your cute nerdy spectacles.
I scroll way back up to when you first complimented me on how I looked and how much you thought my Instagram feed looked “aesthetic.” Do guys even use that word?! But you did. I think of our conversations—how you sent me memes to cheer me up when what was a really good day turned to shits when an accident happened. You took the time to make me laugh.
I replay your voice notes. I’m glad I saved every one of them cause just in case, on days like today, when I miss you a little too much, I have things to remember you by. The way you sound when you’re excited, when you laugh. You may not be in front of me but hearing your voice makes me feel like you’re here. Right beside me.
When I’ve used up every ounce of proof of your presence in my life, I resort to just curling up in bed with my pillow and allowing my tears to seep through it. My hands reach for you under empty sheets and my arms long to wrap around your warm body but for the time being, all I have are these sleeping mechanisms to keep me in bed, to keep me from breaking cause I know I’m always a second too close to it.
Once my tears have dried, and my heart is feeling a little lighter, I pick myself up and try to keep you off my mind. Not forever but just for the time being. I keep myself busy. I go out with my friends; I try to laugh a little louder and do new things everyday to keep myself occupied enough because I know myself and with every second I get when I’m not doing anything, you’ll be the first thought that comes to mind. And if it brings me pain, I don’t want any bit of it. At least not when I wish you are here but can’t be.
When people come up to me and ask me where you are, I tell them you’re a million miles away in Switzerland. They sigh and I can see it on their face that they know it’s going to go downhill and things won’t work because it hasn’t worked for them, but you know what I tell them? I smile and say, “He’s worth it—worth the distance, the time and space in between. He really is.” And just like that, they believe me.
When I miss you a little too much, which is very often, I am rest assured in knowing that you’re a call or a text away and with a press of a button, I get to see your handsome face. And even though it may be through a 5.7 inch screen, you’re real. And my heart gets to call you mine. That’s something no time, or distance can have any control of. Just us.