6 Things That Happen When You Date A Software Engineer

1. Everyone you know, included extended family, will call you to get in touch with them for tech support

I’m talking everyone. Your sister’s boyfriend, your aunt’s secretary at work, her grandma’s live-in nurse. You’ll get phone calls from extended family members that will start pleasantly enough as they ask you how things are going before inevitably bringing up your significant other in conversation. They’ll next ask the next time you’re going to bring him or her to a family function, followed quickly by a subtle hint that they may need help in the technical area. This will happen all the time. Even your dad, who refused to hire anyone to finish the bathroom in the basement of your parents house and now has a forever running toilet, will ask for help every now and again. Embrace it, and make sure to treat your SO really well every time they have to explain to someone related to you that unplugging machinery doesn’t always solve the problem.

2. Instead of roses or jewelry, they’ll create you an app

My SO and I were in a long distance relationship for the first 4 months of dating. Instead of sending me flowers or chocolates, he built me an app that counted down the days until he would be home. Adorable, right?

Someone asked me once why I thought it was such a big deal that he built me an app; ‘He builds apps for a living, why is it so impressive?’ they asked. After getting them some ice to put on their face after I bitch slapped them, I explained that it was really was the thought that counts. He created something for me that not everybody has. He took time and effort to build something just for me. I’d take that over roses any day. But maybe not jewelry.

3. You’ll realize the only thing in the world they love more than you is his laptop

When I went to go visit my SO for an extended weekend, I fell in love with the way he looked at me. He made me feel beautiful, special, and unique… up until I saw the way he looked at his laptop. The way his deft fingers traipsed across her keys. The way he handled her with care. The way he referred to it as ‘her’. I’m not saying that he has the same emotional connection with his laptop as he does with me, but I know that in the event of a fire, it’s not me he’s going to be reaching for.

4. They’ll routinely start speaking in code which will sound like Elvish to you

Since you care about your SO, you’ll occasionally ask them how work is going for them. All of a sudden, something magical will happen. They’ll open their mouth to speak, but instead of words, you’ll hear sound. Their eyes might go bright, they might sit up a little straighter, they might start talking with their hands; you’ll see that they’ve gotten really excited and animated to tell you something, but you’ll have no idea what they’re saying. You’ll hear the words Java and CoffeeScript and immediately latch onto that idea, thinking they hit up a new cafe on the way home. When you ask about CoffeeScript and where it is, your significant other will smile and laugh lovingly at your naivety. Code will become an integral part of your life. Those moments, in the morning or after really good sex, where you’re cuddled and your SO is drawing figure 8’s or random patterns on your back? It’s not random. It’s code.

5. You’ll have to remind them to Google things

I hesitated at first to put this on the list since it had only happened once when I started writing. It has since happened 3 more times. It’ll be the simplest of things; how do you poach salmon? how can I cook with white wine? how do I get to this museum? What is Lourde saying at the end of the chorus in her song ‘Team’? Your SO will likely pose these questions aloud and hope for the best. And when you tell them to google it, their chuckle and have an ‘aw, shucks’ moment as if they forgot Google existed. It might seem condescending at first, but don’t be fooled. There is a very good chance they just forgot.

6. They’ll be really impressed when you do something relatively technologically competent

This will happen without notice. You’ll be sitting beside them on the sofa, your SO with their laptop and you with your tablet or phone or ereader or other technological device, when all of a sudden they’ll say ‘Whoa. Do that again!’. You’ll hold down the home button and close another app and their eyes will go wide as they look at you in an entirely new light. The same thing will happen if you fix your own wifi, routinely scan your laptop for viruses, or know how to handle a blue screen a death. If you can handle technological downsides without a mental break down, you’ll be gazed lovingly upon by your SO.

Despite these things, you’ll still love them. Weird technological dependencies and all.