I sit here and I wait. What am I waiting on? I’m not quite sure.

Waiting on the world to change? Waiting on a phone call from someone I don’t know? Waiting on the sun to shine and a direction to move into? Waiting for someone to tell me what to do with myself? Waiting on a sign of what I should be doing with my life or simply, my day? Waiting for the day to end and a new day to begin? I feel like I’ve spent my whole life waiting..

And yet, we still continue to do so. It doesn’t matter how much you acknowledge the fact and the minutes spent wasted, looking at the clock and wishing the time would go faster, we continue to spend our lives waiting for that next moment that brings us joy. That next moment that makes our hearts rush with excitement. That next minute spent with someone that you could potentially love. That next big leap of faith that we take into the pool of bright light into something we’ve always wanted to do, but yet.. It’s those minutes in between, that we just sit in anxious anticipation.. Waiting.

I’ve just been sitting here looking at my computer, waiting for the moment that something will strike me as to what to do with my day off and I found nothing but sorrow. I have too much time on my hands. There are things that I could be doing with my one day off, a world that I could be changing with just the click of a button, books I could be educating myself with to help brighten my horizons, a world that I could be seeing if I didn’t fear leaving my room and the moments that I spent waiting.. On what? What am I waiting on?

I continue to pray that I’m going to see this bright light, this flash of something brilliant in front of me that will tell me exactly what I should be doing with my free time. That God will point me in this direction of something that will fill this void I have been feeling when it comes to this free time I have on my hands. I have a whole 24 hours to myself, and yet, I feel all the guilt in the world if I don’t do something productive with it. I feel this guilt riding with me all the time, as I continue to wait on what I should be doing next. I know, I’m not the average person, but I never said I wanted to be..

..And yet, I continue to wait. Wait for the right moment to change my life into something I’ve always wanted. Wait for the right time to express my words to the world on exactly how I feel with this guilt building up inside of me. Wait for someone to stumble into my life, feeling exactly the same wait and say that they know how I’m feeling. Wait for this grand sign that will release me of my guilt and help me to feel better about the way I’ve been feeling. I continue to wait for something or someone to tell me to stop waiting.. Get out there and start living.

They always say, “Be the change that you want to see in the world”. We continue to say the words, yet we do nothing with them. We continue to scream and shout, and then wait for someone else to do something about it. Why aren’t we the ones out there, being the change that we wish to see? Why aren’t we the ones out there helping those in need and motivating others to do the same? Why aren’t we the ones picking up those that are weak and showing them that there is something more to live for? Why aren’t we strong enough to do it on our own and continue to wait for something more? Why are we the ones that continue to wait for someone else to pick up all the pieces?

I can’t sit here in this dark bedroom and wait any longer.. I can’t sit here with this guilt that is sitting on my chest and watch as the world just continues to rotate from outside my window. I can’t continue to say I’m going to do something that is going to change the world and wait for this big sign of how to change it. You might feel okay with waiting and letting someone else pick up the pieces for you, but I can’t wait any longer.. You can continue to sit there and wait, watching.. But I’m done. I can’t watch the clock tick by any longer.. I’m done waiting for someone or something to rescue me from this story.

I wish I was as cool as Ellen Degeneres.

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