A long time ago, I let someone into the dungeon where I hid my heart with lock and key. I thought he was a knight in shining armor, protecting it from all harm’s way. Little did I know he would steal and burn it, leaving nothing but ashes behind for me to try to restore. From that day forward I knew that I could never let anyone get as close as he did. I could never let someone in with the potential to cause me such harm. I couldn’t let my balance be thrown off like it was with him. I just couldn’t trust someone like I did before with such a precious gift. I need to protect my own heart. So began to self-sabotage..
I’ll keep you at a distance because it is safer for my heart.
It is easy to keep miles between us, rather than let myself get close. Why let someone in when you don’t know what their intention is with your heart? Why let someone see the real you when they could be gone before you know it? Why let someone know about your past when you don’t know if they plan on being in your future? Why include someone in your life when plans could change right before your eyes? Why put your heart on the line when someone could break it all over again? It’s all about protecting the heart.
I’ll try to push you away because that is what I do.
I will have outbursts. I will fly off the handle. I will act insane. I will force you to see a different side to me. I will pick fights for no reason and will make you question who I was in the first place. I will make sure you don’t get anywhere close to seeing the normal side of me. I will make Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde look like amateurs, because I can’t let you in. I can’t let myself get hurt again. I can’t make space for you in my life. I can’t let you get close to me without the idea of you potentially hurting me. It’s all about protecting the heart.
I’ll isolate myself because that is what I’m used to.
I’m used to being on my own. I’m used to taking care of myself. I’m used to being my own motivation, my own wisdom, my own strength, my own voice. I’m used to my own time and my own freedom. I’m used to doing things my own way. I’m balanced and secure in my own skin, so why let you in? Why would I potentially let you throw off my balance? Why would I potentially let you change my way of thinking? Why would I let you take my time, my energy, my space with the idea that I could receive nothing back in return? It’s all about protecting the heart.
I’ll end this before it can even begin because that’s what I’m good at.
Self sabotage is my area of expertise. It is like an art to me. I’m so good at pushing people away before they can get close, that I don’t know how to do anything else anymore. No matter how good we could be for each other. No matter how good it feels to be with you or how much I actually care about you. No matter the ways that you could add to my life or the future we could potentially have. No matter how much light you bring to my life or how good you could be at protecting me. No matter all the good it could bring to my heart.
I’ll fuck this up because I would rather protect my heart than risk being broken again.