A Mother’s Stream Of Consciousness During Labor

October 24th, 10:35 p.m.

Ouch, that was sharp. Wait, how many minutes has it been since my last contraction? Six, seven? I think- Oh shit, it’s happening. Wait, don’t panic. Don’t panic don’t panic don’t panic. Breathe. Ouch, that is really painful. Okay, okay, it’s over. Just Braxton-Hicks, nothing to worry about. No big deal, they aren’t close enough together. I’ve got plenty of time to relax. We don’t need to rush to the hospital. I’m just going to sit down right here and – OUCH. Okay, time to go to the hospital. Yep, better call Mom and let her know.

October 25th, 7:32 a.m.

This catheter feels so weird. Who invented these things? My bladder feels like it’s going to explode either way, so what’s the point?

October 25th, 9:47 a.m.

I am so hungry. I’m going to get pissed if I don’t get food in the next five minutes. I swear if they try to tell me no I will strangle someone.

October 25th, 10:12 a.m.

Animal crackers? That’s all I get? Well, it’s better than nothing. Not going to complain, just going to eat my crackers in peace and- oh shit, another contraction. Ow ow ow ow ow. I need a damn epidural. FUCK.

October 25th, 3:51 p.m.

Oh my epidural is here. THANK GOD. It only took them all fucking day. Okay, sit still sit still. Don’t jump? How the hell am I supposed to keep myself from jumping when you shove a giant fucking needle in my spine, doc? Huh? FUCK that hurt. Wait, it’s getting better. Oh yeah, this is much better. That spot is going to be sore as hell tomorrow where that needle stuck me, but at least some of the pain is going away.

October 25th, 6:12 p.m.

Hey nurse, is my hip supposed to hurt this badly? No, seriously. I feel like a giant boulder is pressing down on my hip right now. This really fucking hurts, guys. Wasn’t the epidural supposed to prevent this? Oh, great, more drugs. Yes, get those drugs in me and make this hip stop hurting. Much better, thank you.

October 25th, 8:28 p.m.

So much pressure on my pelvis, I can’t handle this anymore. Why does this have to be so painful? Why can’t we birth smaller humans that are easy to push out. I am going to be wrecked after this. I swear to god I am NOT having more children. Why would anyone want to go through this again? How do some women go through this so many times and still want to have more kids? I am never having sex again after this.

October 25th, 9:54 p.m.

Holy shit these contractions. Ugh. I swear to god if they don’t stop laughing while watching my contractions on the monitor, I am going to murder someone. Oh okay, sure, fucking laugh some more. It’s so funny to watch someone in pain. That’s it. Everyone GET THE FUCK OUT.

October 25th, 10:44 p.m.

What do you mean we’re only at 9.5 cm? I can’t wait much longer to push.

October 25th, 10:50 p.m.

Still not at 10 cm yet? It’s been SEVENTEEN FUCKING HOURS! It’s almost midnight for fuck’s sake. I am NOT waiting for tomorrow, I am getting this child out today. Fuck you and your 9.5 cm. I’m pushing!

October 25th, 11:09 p.m.


October 25th, 11:12 p.m.

She’s out? That’s it? Oh. That wasn’t so bad. Maybe I will have another someday.

Creative entrepreneur and blogger raised in the Midwest.

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