If You Have The Opportunity To See Me Again, Please Don’t Take It

Bianca des Jardins
Bianca des Jardins

Do me a favor, please do not let me see you ever again.

I am in a situation where seeing you or even hearing about you could send me crashing down again. I do not want to jeopardize the tiny little progress I have made since you left.

If ever an opportunity presents itself, please do not take it. Please avoid me in all possible ways.

Whether in a supermarket or in the places that we used to visit. Because I know we still live in the same town, you have to promise me to never say hello ever again. Just run or walk away. I used to know so much about you. I can only hope I know that much to help me avoid seeing you.

Because if I do, I might never want to look away. I might look at your eyes and see the longing I, too, still strongly feel. 

Because if I do, I might run into your arms and never let go.

Because if I do, I may never forget how you look; how you smell; how you sounded when you laugh; how you used to brush away the hair from my face; how you smack my wide forehead when I’m getting anxious or insecure.

Because if I do, I might ask you how you’ve been; how is your sister doing? Does she still ask about me? Do you still treat your mother well? Is she asking for that pup you gave me?

Or I might also tell you what I have been up to. And that the dogs in our neighborhood who used to greet us whenever you come over are now dead. That I’ve been doing just fine moments before you showed up.

And worst of all, I’m afraid of seeing you. Just as I was afraid of losing you. I could never forget the way you made me feel — the good and the bad. I do not wish to be reminded of the reasons why we have to give each other up.

Please understand that I also need to hold on a little longer to that tiny anger I have for you. It makes me forget how amazingly perfect you are. We both know that we deserve more than this. We are both aware of the love that we have or had for each other. Please let me forget about it, too. Until the time comes that I am a little stronger. Please let me hold on to these.

So I beg you not to let me see you again. Do not worry though, I’m doing fine. I will do better, I know, just give me time.

Give me time to cherish my aloneness. To have the solitude that we both destroyed unwillingly. And if ever you find yourself happy again with another, I will try my best to be happy for you, too. For now, just be happy for me. TC mark

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