When a friend recently invited me to tag along on his upcoming camping trip, I didn’t give it a second thought before agreeing to go. Never having been camping before, I needed to at least try it despite friends and family hysterically laughing at the thought of me camping and placing bets on how long I’d survive. Unfortunately, they were all right. I am not a camper. I cannot rough it. And I did not last more than 24 hours. Camping sucks. I hate camping. Here’s why:
1. Finding the Right Camping Spot
Seriously? How can this plot of dirt be any better than that one over there? After all, you are sleeping on the ground. Nothing about this is going to be comfortable. After spending a billion hours driving in the car, you have to drive around the campgrounds five times inspecting every available campsite over and over again to find one that’s just right. It’s ridiculous.
2. Getting Drunk Has Some Serious Ramifications
For anyone who has difficulty falling asleep in a bed, falling asleep while camping is impossible. This is where booze comes in handy so you can drink yourself into a coma. Fast forward to the next day and the hangover you’re rocking on the 11-mile hike is just about the worst possible combination. But there’s more! Combine that with the scorching sun and you have a preview to what hell would be like.
3. Forget Sleeping In
One great thing about taking a vacation is sleeping in. Not when camping. At the crack of dawn, the beaming sun is there to greet you. There is no cherry and bright-eyed glorious morning kind of feeling just the desire to shout at the sun, curse at it and wish it would go back to where it came from for a few more hours.
4. No Such Thing as Climate Control
Those tents are either freezing cold or hot as hell. Either one is anything remotely close to comfortable. You then realize that sleeping outside in a tent is for amateurs as it becomes apparent that neighboring campers in giant RVs know a thing or two about the importance of “climate control.”
5. Cleanliness Is Nonexistent
After hiking for miles and spending all day sweating, you have to go back to a dirty campground where you can’t shower. Then you have to sleep in a tent next to someone who is also in the same state of cleanliness and then the whole no sleeping thing comes back into play because they wreak so bad you can’t sleep. Confined spaces and smelly, unwashed people are not a good combination.
6. Weather Permitted
There is no argument that weather can create some hiccups in any vacation. But when it comes to camping, rain just ruins it. Nothing about camping in the rain is fun.
7. No Cell Service
Ok, it is possible to live without a cellphone for a few days but if you get lost in the woods, you’re kind of screwed. Then flashes of NBC’s nightly news special report with the headlines “Blonde Girl Lost in Woods Found Dead” pop into your head as you think about how you should have paid more attention when someone was explaining which side of the rock moss grows on.