Today, I missed work for “not feeling well.” Not for a fever, but for something that goes through my brain not allowing me to get up from bed and start my day. And I’m sure my co-workers will look at it as laziness, but it’s actually the anxiety kicking in.
Last night, my boyfriend Skyped me and it actually made my day. But I ruined it because in the middle of our conversation, something went through my brain again. Something not allowing me to believe in anything that my partner says. I asked if he truly loves me, lo and behold, his answer was simple yet amazing and honest as it is, “Yes. I do.” Guess what? I did not take it as that.
“No. Honestly? Are you getting tired of me?”
And the anxiety went on until 3 in the morning.
Woke up, feeling the heavyweight of what happened a couple of hours ago. And I’m feeling less anxious. And that’s when it all sank in. That’s when it always sink in.
Anxiety makes you lose the time you could’ve spent with your loved ones happily. You could’ve told them about that time that you ate three eggs in just one meal and how you regretted it after, and could’ve just laughed the night away. But no, instead you ask them questions and not believe in any answers they give you.
They could tell you how amazing you are, and you’d still think you’re a crap. They can tell you how much they love you, and you’d still doubt why and instill in them how you’re not worthy of it.
They could tell you how they’d never leave your side no matter how tough your anxiety is at times…. but you’ll still end up saying, “Leave me.”
“You don’t deserve a girl like this.”
So I woke up. Rereading everything I have written back to my partner. How I pushed him away. How he felt bad for not being to console my wholly, and how I felt bad for making him feel bad.
“Leave me. You don’t deserve shit like this.”
“I see how a relationship with you is, and how hard times are for you sometimes. But no, I’m never going to give you up just because of that.”
That’s how I fought it for the rest of the day.