You’ll meet him on the most unexpected night. The kind of night where you take as little time as possible to get ready. You’ll wear your favorite simple dress, your go-to dress, for the nights you just don’t want to fuss over anything. With light makeup and barely brushed hair, you’ll hurriedly set out for the night, running late as always.
You’ll walk into the bar where your friends are, your eyes nervously darting around. Why is it always so nerve-wrecking coming into a place by yourself? You’ll waste no time sending your friends that “Here” text so you don’t look like you’re on your own. You’ll decide to do a lap around the place when they don’t text you back right away. You’ll see a boy, a man, who notices you. And you notice him too; you’re too afraid to smile. You’ve seen him before. But this time you share a moment, if only for a few seconds. Suddenly you see your friends. And just like that, the moment passes.
But you both know it was a moment.
No sooner than you sit down, you run to the bathroom but not because you need it but to check yourself in the mirror. You’ll curse at yourself for not taking more time to get ready. You’ll practice your smile in the mirror. You’ll leave the restroom and there he is, talking to one of your friends.
He’ll introduce himself and say that he thinks you’ve met; you’ll agree. But something about tonight is different. Something about you and him being there so unexpectedly, fills you with great expectations all of a sudden. You stay out late, you talk, you listen, you dance, you laugh. And just like that, you like him. You know you’re not supposed to like anyone that quickly but you like him anyway. And you kiss him and he kisses you over and over again. You say good night.
But you can’t sleep.
For you, liking someone is both hard and easy. Easy because you don’t believe in checklists or sweating the small stuff or letting the details get in the way. You believe in the person and that’s why it’s also hard. You know that the person should be rare and spectacular. You know that it either is or it isn’t. There is no in between.
You like him and you know it, and when you do, none of the rules matter. You call him, you text him, you want to see him. He has taken a firm place in your thoughts. You find him interesting and captivating and possibly someone you can care for; someone who can teach you things, and that you can have fun with, and that you can share the scary details of your life with, that few people know. And you want to know all his secrets too. You barely know him but you want all these things with him.
Falling for someone is beautiful.
But you see him less than you want; you talk about seeing each other more than you actually do. When you’re together, it’s great, and when you’re not, you wonder. Days go by, then weeks, then months, and as they do, the space of uncertainty between the two of you grows. You know you still want him but does he like you as much as you like him? Does he even still like you at all?
Maybe somewhere deep inside you, you know the answers to these difficult questions, maybe you’re overthinking it. Maybe it’s time to walk away from something that was never meant to be or was never even real. Maybe he was not supposed to be different after all. Maybe he’s not what you thought he would be, and the two of you will just never be what you could be. Maybe you don’t need him like you think you need him. The maybe’s are endless. But know that you are stronger for taking a chance; for leaping, for trying to give someone your heart. Know that any and all pain you feel is temporary. Know that your heart is still intact.
Let go of him and don’t let him break your heart…anymore.