19 Serious Questions I Have For Pope Francis Now That Dogs Can Go To Heaven

By Kovie Biakolo

Pope Francis was recently comforting a young boy who lost his dog and apparently made comments to the effect that all God’s creatures can reach paradise. Knowing how much the news media spins everything, especially everything that works for their politics, I still want more information and context. However, as a practicing Catholic, this raises some serious issues. So I’m going to need Pope Francis to clarify a few things for me here.

1. Will cats go to heaven too? I mean I know you said all of God’s creatures might have a place in paradise but I think it’s pretty clear that cats are questionable as God’s creatures.

2. Am I now a bad Catholic because I don’t like cats? Do I need to repent for that?

3. So if animals have souls, doesn’t that mean that we shouldn’t eat them? How are you going to justify eating something with a soul?

4. Or does this mean that since animals and people have souls…eating people is okay now? (I’m going to go for a “no” on that one.)

5. Does this mean only vegans go to heaven?

6. Am I going to have to join PETA now? (I just wrote about why I’m no longer a vegetarian.)

7. Does that mean we should be bringing our pets to mass now?

8. What about domesticated animals that commit acts of violence? How do we explain that now? Is it no longer their owner’s fault?

9. And if an animal has a soul, what does that mean for it’s morality? What is the theology of an animal’s morality?

10. What is the theology of the animal body? (Does it depend on the animal?)

11. So if animals are going to heaven, does that mean animals are going to hell as well?

12. And what about purgatory? What is animal purgatory going to be like?

13. And how are animals absolved from their sins? Do animals need to confess their sins?

14. And how do animals do penance exactly?

15. And do animals pray? And if so, how?

16. And what about the sacraments? Should Catholic/Christian people be worried about ensuring their pets celebrate the sacraments as well?

17. So you know how we have the anointing of the sick, are we going to have the anointing of sick animals now?

18. Should we start having ceremonies for an animal’s last rites too?

19. How exactly can owners ensure their pets go to heaven? Or is it like everything else by the grace of God?

This is all really weird. Great, but definitely weird. I mean I guess R.I.P to my faithful dog growing up, Kelly. Pouring one out for you tonight. And apparently saying a prayer for your doggie soul too.