Who Actually Gives A Sh*t About Nude Celebrity Pics?

Serious question: Why does anyone give a shit about nude celebrity pics? Can someone tell me, why I logged into my Facebook and Twitter this evening and apparently that was a thing worthy of discussion?

After choosing not to write today because I was feeling particularly lazy on this Labor Day, here I am writing – because of you, Internet. (Okay, I am not under any kind of duress while writing this piece but I need to get this off my chest, so here we are.) I need to know: How are celebrity nude pics in any shape or form, a real-life, newsworthy discussion? Are we really this bored? How is this event related to anything that affects any individual’s life, or a collective discussion about anything important that society should be aware of? (If we want to have a conversation about the body as a commodity of celebrities,’ or the disciplining, policing, and entitlements of society to celebrities’ bodies, I am there. If we want to talk about the complicated matter of privacy of a celebrity or (anyone else) in the digital age, I am there. But let’s be real – this is NOT what most of this is about.)

So pictures of nude celebrities got leaked. WOOOOOAHHHHHHH! And so what? What happens next? You and I both know the material answer to that: Nothing. Look, I don’t understand why people, not just celebrities, take nude pictures of themselves. I mean in theory, I understand it. But in practice, why human beings engage in this, as a form of sexual arousal or “fun,” or whatever the hell other reason people choose to do this, is beyond my sensibilities. Then again, I don’t understand half the shit people do, so I just shake my head and move on.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a thousand times: celebrity culture in this country is nauseating. How people are so invested in the lives of people who don’t know them from Adam, is just amazing to me. And while movies, music, art, etc., and all the rest contribute to our culture in a way that shapes it, reflects it, and allows us to imagine and re-imagine, and analyze and wrestle with attributes and components of culture, not everything a celebrity does is newsworthy. Actually, let me say that more aptly: 99% of the shit that celebrities do is not newsworthy. I’d go as far as saying that a good chunk of our celebrities are not worth our time and money. And in order to avoid giving them further publicity – I’ll trust you to know those who are most annoyingly sucking the time, money (and humanity) out of all of us.

Apart from finding it morally “not my thing,” to take naked pictures of yourself, I think it is practically and technologically speaking, naïve. Still, that people take so much time to be distracted from the real things that go on in society that do affect personal lives and collective conversation – so we can opine about what, who, when, how about the next celebrity scandal is pathetic. Sorry, it’s the truth. And I can sincerely say people who care the most about celebrity’s lives have always been the most uninteresting, tiresome, human beings I have come across.

Stop this. Leaked pictures of a celebrity do not deserve attention. This is objectively not a newsworthy event. This is objectively about people you don’t actually give a rat’s ass about; and that you effectively build up, chew up, and spit out, after their time has come and gone. (Which is something we really do need a larger discussion on.) And yes I care enough to write about why we shouldn’t care.(Because I know some smart-ass is going to be in the comments section talking about how this is “ironic.”) And no, no one died and made me queen of what constitutes newsworthy events and what doesn’t. But at some point, someone, even if it is a mere child, has to yell at the Emperor and tell him, “You are naked!” America, you are the Emperor, and I am the child.

And yes, coming up with that last pun was pretty freaking sweet.