Ranking Social Media Sites & Apps According To Levels Of Darkness

Social Media Apps
Flickr / Jason Howie

Instagram

I know what you’re thinking, how much damage can be done with just pictures? Well as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. Add hashtags to that, and all of a sudden you’ve got a million words. Between the daily selfies, the social media athletes, and the #lookatmeIwenttoWholeFoods crowds, you can get pretty disillusioned going through everyone’s picture perfect life. On the upside, Instagram fights are few and far between so one has to be thankful for small blessings.

Darkness Level: The power went out so you might need a candle for a few hours. #candlesomg

LinkedIn

Remember when LinkedIn used to be important? Remember when you cared to attract companies and important people in your industry? Remember when it wasn’t also for thirteen year-olds? Remember when random people you barely knew from college didn’t feel the need to endorse you for things you had no idea that you were good at? I do, I do, I do–hooooo. Now LinkedIn is where your professional hopes and dreams live on without you.

Darkness Level: Mini power outage at work at 11 AM. Everybody be back at lunch time but be prepared to stay late.

Twitter

The damage that 140 characters or less can do never fails to surprise me. Or Justine Sacco. Or anyone who is ever featured on the Public Shaming Tumblr. Twitter can be unbearable because it’s socially acceptable to send out every other mundane thought in your head throughout the day. And then there are the tweet-fights you will witness between grown-ass people, during business hours no less. On the best days, pass the popcorn. On the worst days, it’s just better to sign out because 140 characters should not give anyone this much anxiety.

Darkness Level: There’s a Polar Vortex snow storm outside and the lights keep flickering. #help #shouldIgetaflashlight?

Pinterest

If you want to know people’s innermost desires, don’t sit down and have coffee with them by the fire, go to their Pinterest. I can’t go on Pinterest. Pinterest is a constant reminder that while everyone is doing (see: pretending to do) DIY projects and planning their future weddings down to the very last side-dish, I am trying to justify wearing swimsuit bottoms instead of doing my laundry for yet another week. But if I ever venture out there again, I suppose there are positives, such as visualizing all the future things you hope to kill yourself aspiring to be!

Darkness Level: Getting confused and wearing black to an all-white party.

Google+

“Wait, people are actually on Google+?” “Wait, I have Google+?” – I hear these constantly. Oh, Google+, the forgotten social networking site, whose purpose people are still trying to figure out. Apart from the Hangout feature of course. The Hangout feature is great. It’s also great that no one is on it enough to be annoying. Google, you win again. A+ for you.

Darkness Level: There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Facebook

After 10 years in existence, it’s safe to say that Facebook has been an important part of many young adult lives. I mean, are you really friends with someone, if they are not your Facebook friend? Did you really go to a place if you didn’t take 100 pictures of yourself in that place? Do you really have opinions unless they are 700-word paragraphed rants? Sure you can hide from newsfeed, sure you can clean out your Friends list, but can you answer the most important question of our time: Does anything in your life really happen unless it happens on Facebook?

Darkness Level: Is this purgatory or…?

Snapchat

Personally, I draw my social media lines at snapchat. But if people wish to take random videos of themselves that “magically disappear” into space, then who am I to stop them? Sure, those videos may come back to haunt you in a few years. Sure it might almost give you a panic attack when you are in an especially crowded, hot L car where you are struggling to breathe while the guy behind you is struggling to snapchat himself. But we must protect our freedoms. Especially the freedom to use one of the most insufferable, pointless inventions of all time.

Darkness Level: Alternate version of hell.

Tumblr

I am going to reveal something that I don’t tell people very often. (Except for the time I tweeted about it on my very public Twitter to the whole world.) I was once on Tumblr daily for a 6-8 month period. To be fair, I ate a dozen donuts in one sitting during those 6-8 months. I also ate an entire apple pie in a different sitting. You get the point: those were some dark days. Because Tumblr is a dark place where people go for self-diagnosis of their issues, and preaching to many a choir. Rather than just going to the doctor, and a place of worship. Now while there are sane, even good secret corners of the otherwise prepubescent, petulant cesspool that it has essentially turned into, tread with caution when you venture out there. And bring some holy water.

Darkness Level: Hell itself. TC mark

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