Hey guys – yes, this is specifically directed at men between the ages of 24 and….32? (There are exceptions to this age range I suppose.) I know Valentine’s days is tomorrow but better late than never, right?! Yes, I know, it’s a Hallmark holiday. Whatever. Like New Year’s Eve, any holiday that encourages drinking champagne (or it’s better counterpart, prosecco) sounds like a great holiday to me.
I’ve been told I’m picky which is not true; society just has exceptionally low standards. But if you feel you are up for the challenge that is a Valentine’s date with yours truly, read on. I know what you’re thinking, why should you take me out on Valentine’s Day? Well, just off the top of my head:
- I’m easy enough on the eyes. (Ignore the above picture. I had just finished working out.)
- Speaking of, I am in pretty good shape.
- I’m smart which means if one thing lead to another and we ride off into the sunset, our kids will have a good chance of being smart as well. Which means they will likely get merit scholarships for college. HOLLA!
- Good Black don’t crack + my genes indicate that I will likely age well.
- I am interesting. Duh.
- I am funny and will most likely make you think you’re funny because I tend to laugh really easily.
- I am great with parents and grandparents.
- Babies love me.
- I know I can come off as a sarcastic, straightforward, no-nonsense bitch sometimes, but I wouldn’t ever hurt someone intentionally.
- Like my mother, I am not a fighter but I will turn into one when I’m passionate.
- I can cook. (Notice,I said I can, not I will ALWAYS do it.)
- I’m a Scorpio.
- I drink Guinness.
- I’ve been told on several occasions that I must pass down my genes, and that I have great potential to be a Michelle Obama-esque kind of trophy wife.
But here’s what I’m looking for this Friday, February 14th:
I’m around 5’10 which means in order for us to take really good pictures together, you must at least be 6’2.* I will not date past 6’9 however because in my experience, there is a positive correlation with being over 6’9 and being intellectually challenged. An athletic-type body is also a must – basketball and soccer types preferred in particular. (Feel free to include shirtless pics in application if uncertain.) I like men of all racial backgrounds but tend to gravitate towards darker features. But if you look like Ryan Gosling, I will not say no hon.
* Height exceptions can be made if your face or personality is to die for.
Because I am the loud girl who is actually an introvert, I tend to seek shy guys who are actually extroverts. You must be patient because there is nothing more ungentleman-like than an inpatient man. Moreover, I will probably be late for the date so you must be comfortable with waiting for a woman, as that Brad Paisley song goes. You must also be very kind; nothing turns me on more than a guy who will walk across the street to help someone with groceries. That said, you must be very confident and assertive and honestly, a little aggressive. Because I have a dominant personality, I will need to you to put me in my place sometimes but you have to balance this out with letting me win; you must know the right times to do each one or this won’t work. Basically, you have to be the dateable 21st century version of Jesus.
You must like family. Look, I get it – unless you have the shittiest family known to mankind, I will expect you to talk about your parents and siblings with respect and love. I talk about my family a lot and you will probably get sick of hearing how great they are. You must also like sports. If you like soccer and the English Premier League,* even better. You must like volunteering and do it regularly or at least wish you did it regularly. You must also enjoy going to things like the symphony as much as you like chilling at home in your sweatpants watching Netflix. I believe in being a multidimensional person and so should you. You must like travelling or at least the idea of it. You must also like dogs because if we do end up dating beyond Valentine’s day which is not likely but a possibility, I’ve decided the only thing better than having a dog, is having a boyfriend with a dog.* Also, you must like reading and have at one point, messed around with guitar lessons. Finally, working out is an absolute must. If I have to bust my ass to keep my ass so. do. you.
*English Premier League fans who are Tottenham and Man United fans need not apply. Preference shall be given to Arsenal fans.
*Cat owners and anyone who can see themselves as a future cat owner need not apply.
You must dislike social media; not enough to be off it completely but enough that you use it sparingly. This is preferable because I don’t want you to think I’m bat-shit crazy given I write on the Internet, and it’s practically a requirement to be bat-shit crazy. You must dislike political fights of all kinds, while being politically informed. You must also dislike war, poverty, and racism.
Now while I don’t care if you don’t have a college degree, I do care that you are doing something worthwhile that you enjoy. Also, because I hate dating people in the same field as me, persons who work in the following fields/career will be given preference: Engineering, Finance, Medicine, Investment, Trading, Entrepreneurs, Tech, Science, etc. Because I am on the path of academia and public writing and speaking about public and global culture, I do expect you to have base level critical thinking skills and be able to hold conversations about current events. I will listen attentively to anything you discuss about your work. But let’s be real, nether of us should talk about work for longer than 10 minutes.
I would prefer that you neither be too left or right politically. Apolitical works just fine for me as does cautiously Libertarian. Raging Republicans or Depressing Democrats will not be considered at all; Moderates/Independents are great. Bonus points if you speak another language besides English and have lived outside of your native country at some point in your life. Catholic guys will be given preference but only if they actually do go to Church more than twice a year. (Nothing worse than Creasters.) Atheists will be considered as long as they are not all up in my grill about not believing in God. You absolutely must not be a “male feminist” or a “men’s rights activist.” Also, if you have said “gnarly” or “YOLO” in the past week, please don’t apply.
Welp, that’s about it. I give you complete creative freedom in how you choose to apply for this date. Submissions may come in Word docs, PPT presentations, Prezis, or YouTube videos, just to name a few examples. For the lucky guy who is chosen, you need not bring any roses but chocolate Reese’s hearts are totally welcome. Send all applications via my TC author page. Good luck!
*APPLICATION CLOSES AT MIDNIGHT 2/13 CST so HURRY HURRY HURRY!*
Final Note: I will totally be wearing the shirt in the picture on our date.