Dear Humans Beings,
How’s it going? God here. Hope you’re doing alright and life isn’t getting you down too much. Remember you can always ask me for help if you need it. I usually know what you need before you do! I know this time of year can be a little overwhelming with expectations. Take it easy, you’re not a machine – you’re my beautiful creation. If you’ve got bad memories of the season, maybe this is the year to start good ones! If you’ve got good memories, keep them going! Above all, spend time with your loved ones and try to make that circle bigger, you know? It’s always a good time to help someone in need. Because this is a lonely time for a lot of people so I’m counting on some of you to fill their hearts with love. Especially those of you with big hearts (and big pockets). To whom much is given, much is expected, and all of that.
Before I get sidetracked with a love lecture, I just want to ask you a tiny request. It’s the same request I asked a couple of thousand years ago but I understand you might need a reminder. Not everyone has my memory you know? HAHA…Sorry, omnipotence joke….and look at that, a meta joke. HAHA (I crack myself up). Anyway, a couple of thousand years ago in your time, I strongly requested that, “You shalt not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.” I know some of what I say can be difficult to interpret and understand sometimes. But there’s really no ambiguity with this one guys and girls, it’s pretty straightforward.
I don’t mean to toot my own horn here but I did create the world in six days. And while I am sometimes unimpressed by how you’re treating it (and each other), the world is pretty spectacular when you think about it. The variety you have in animal life, the beauty of the trees, the water, and the mountains, and the of course people – the creation I am most proud of and that I love infinitely. That being said, will you all quit using my name as a cuss word? All the unnecessary, “Oh my God’s” you say, the variations of “God-dammed,” and one of the worst offenders, “Oh my f****** God.” That hurts my feelings you know? Moreover, don’t try to slyly hide behind all your imitating phrases, you know that I know that you know what you’re doing.
I understand the occasional slip-up, I forgive them. But when it becomes such a part of your everyday vernacular, it’s hard to take in. How would you feel if someone just threw around your name for relief? “I swear to f****** Mike” or “Fiona-damned” or “Oh my Ashley.” It would feel like a never-ending bad joke wouldn’t it? Look, I know that God is just one of my many names but it’s still mine and for thousands of years, I’ve asked that you not use it in vain. Can we please go back to that? Because you are all becoming a little bit complacent with that one. And while I am always side-eyeing you every time you cuss at all, if you must, use your own name. One more thing, when you write my name down, I’d appreciate you capitalizing it like you do for your fellow humans. I mean they didn’t create the world, and their names get to be capitalized and mine doesn’t? Not cool.
And I know some of you will inevitable mention that you don’t believe in me so why should you listen? Well if you don’t believe in me, there really isn’t any reason to use my name now is there? By the way, I still love you! Any who, got some Godly things to attend to now. Stay Blessed.
p.s. Pope Francis, what a G tho, right?