Pumpkins…Meh

1. Because the amount of time put forth into making a half-way decent costume is usually not worth the seven hours that you’ll be wearing it, and the copious amounts of liquor that will ruin it by the time you drag yourself home wearing half of somebody else’s costume.

2. Because you and I know that we have better things to spend our money on than actually buying a Halloween costume.

3. Because it’s not socially acceptable to go as yourself every year even though you’ll waste fewer resources, save more money, and if you wish, can take solace from the fact that we are all in costume/performing every single day.

4. Because of the fun time you’ll have trying to find a cab when you are heading home in that especially not-so-warm costume. Any minute now…

5. Because clueless people put on costumes that appropriate cultures and/or are flat-out racist. And the rest of us are supposed to just sip on Pumpkin-flavored beer, and not spoil the party, right? (Note: Please people, Blackface and Native American misappropriations are so last century, okay?)

7. Because Chicago, like many big cities will end up having two weekends of Halloween (for the adults anyway) when the actual day falls in the middle of the week. And nobody should have to face grown-ass men in baby diaper costumes two weekends in a row. Nobody.

8. Because if you do live in a big city, chances are you don’t need a holiday to be around people who wear outlandish outfits and can’t walk in a straight line by midnight.

9. Because everyone who has a birthday around this time of year will often be forced to do something “Halloween- themed.” And if you think people will pick spending time with you in regular clothes over an opportunity to showcase how (un)creative they can be in costume, go right ahead and find out the hard way.

10. Because once you see some Halloween costumes, you can’t unsee them for the rest of your natural born life. (And your eyes may or may not bleed at the sight of some costumes each year.)

11. Because children will be even more hyped up on sugar for at least the next two weeks and society just doesn’t need that. (And I say this as someone who loves little monsters.)

12. Because spending the entire weekend under the covers with your best friends Netflix and Hulu sounds so much more appealing that being constantly hit, and hit on, by someone wearing a banana suit.

13. Because Pumpkin everything is overrated.

BONUS REASON: Because whatgoodwoulditdo doesn’t care for Halloween much either.