So sometimes if I’m in the mood for emotional-cutting, a.k.a seeking out things that I know are likely going to hurt me, I’ll put on some sad music and stalk TC articles. Yes, I actually do this; feel free to judge. The other day, (and by the other day I mean last night), I came across Ryan O’Connell’s Why No One Is Getting Laid. My feeling-sorry-for-myself mood turned into one of pure entertainment. While I have a different perspective about sex from Ryan, it was hilarious. In the piece, Ryan proposed a National Honesty Day.
Your parents, like mine, probably told you that, “Honesty is the best policy.” If you’re an adult and have ever been in a situation where honesty has gone wrong, you’ll know that this is not as feel-good as your parents made it sound when you were eight years old. I mean I still take the stance that the truth will in fact, set you free. But telling the truth, like any good deed, does not go unpunished.
Here are 5 Things That Would Happen On a National Honesty Day:
1. You will probably get fired. Why? Because your boss will ask you to do something to which you will respond, “Why don’t you do it? Do you actually do ANYTHING at all? Or are you paid to torment people and give orders in lieu of you pathetic leadership skills. Also, I hate you.”
2. Friendships shall be tested. There are some friends you can be straight-up, point-black, and up-front with. (Yay!) There are some, you just can’t. Every word, every gesture, every potential thought must be considered lest you be responsible for their nervous breakdown. But on National Honesty Day, you won’t give a shit. Potential conversations that could be had: “Why the hell must you be so passive-aggressive all the time?” “Is it your life’s purpose to one-up everything I do?” “Dude, he/she is JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Like, move on already.” If your friendships can survive a National Honesty Day, they can survive anything.
3. You and your parents will finally have it out. You: “You know I’m sure you did the best you could with all you knew; but you do know that you can’t separate how I am and the things you may not like about me, from how you raised me. You know this, right?” Your parents: “You entitled little shit. I sacrificed almost everything for you. And this is how you repay me?” Well, family gatherings could get real awkward after this sort of national holiday so it’ll definitely have to come months before the Holiday season.
4. Everybody will reveal their deep-seated prejudices. “I know this is racist but Black people really just need to get over this whole slavery and racism thing.” “Sorry but nothing in this world will make me trust White people.” “Call me a bigot; I just don’t understand this whole being gay thing.” “Yes, all religious people are sick and scary bigots who want to make this country a theocracy.” “If you don’t like Beyoncé, you are in fact the lowest form of a human being.” It would be endless. (Also, given these sorts of statements, maybe the YouTube comments section is already celebrating National Honesty Day every day? Maybe.)
5. Your love-life will probably change. Make-ups, break-ups, and all that good stuff. And finally, you can tell him or her that you get those butterflies in your stomach when you see them. That you’ve basically been pining for them for what seems like a lifetime. And that you already know that you’re going to be the greatest couple of all time, because gosh-darn the two of you are just so perfect! And they could say the same. Or they could laugh in your face and say, “Are you kidding me? Not in this lifetime and not in the next,” and expose you as the lovesick weirdo that you are.
National Honesty Day, friends.