Okay, I’ll be totally honest with this one. When I was 19 I had a soul sucking job at a call center. It was miserable, the pay was shitty, and I always had to work 12 hour days on the weekends when my friends were going to concerts and parties. My best friend has a really mature voice and can honestly play the best mom over the phone better than anyone I know.
One night there was a show I really wanted to go to but I was scheduled to work until at least midnight and couldn’t think of a decent excuse. Plus, I’m a TERRIBLE liar. I just can’t do it without people knowing something’s up so I don’t even bother. I called my friend on my lunch break and told him I probably wouldn’t be able to make it. So what did my bff do? He called my boss’s line later in the day and said “Hi, Cindy? This is Koty’s mom. We need her to come home immediately. There’s been a family emergency.” Of course my boss was like “OMG. Okay.” and let me take work off for the weekend. She never even asked what the family emergency was. And off I went into the night to dance my ass off. I think that’s probably the worst/most shameful thing I’ve done to get out of work. I asked a group of friends and randoms on the internet what the craziest/worst excuse they’ve ever given when calling in sick. Here’s what they told me.
1. “I had just started dating this girl and we were in that time of a relationship where you’re so caught up in each other the rest of the world doesn’t really exist. We agreed we’d both call in sick so we could spend the day in bed together. And to be fair we both had been working like 60-70 hours a week at our jobs! We needed the time off. Anyway, I called my boss and said I had gotten so drunk at the work mixer the night before I was still drunk and way too drunk to drive. He just laughed and said, ‘Yeah, those open bars really get me too.’ I was honestly shocked he believed me.” – Kyle, 33.
2. “I told my boss I had explosive diarrhea. After I used those words she didn’t want to even talk to me anymore. The thing about the explosive diarrhea excuse is you can really only use it once. Same thing with grandparents dying.” – Hunter, 24.
3. “I was on a work trip with some co-workers when we all went out for drinks with a few clients. Long story short I ended up hooking up with a girl but when I woke up I had no fucking clue where I was. Somehow we had ended up 45 minutes out of the city at her uncle’s cabin. I called my boss and told him what happened. At first he didn’t believe me but I was like, ‘No, seriously. I don’t know where I am. My Google Maps aren’t working. Can you arrange a driver to try and find me?’ He was pissed and I missed that morning’s meeting.” – TJ, 32.
4. “I told my boss I shit my pants in my car on the way to work and couldn’t come into the office unless he could come down and bring me a new pair with some wet wipes. No guy wants to hear about his pretty little secretary shitting her pants. He told me I could have the whole day off and we never talked about it again.” – Kelsey, 24.
5. “This is a total bullshit reason for getting fired. Basically, what happened is my boss called me on my DAY OFF. I had just worked 11 days in a row and I was really looking forward to the time off. All I wanted was to drink a forty and play some video games. She called me and asked if I could come in for a short shift because some idiot didn’t come in. I told her that no, I couldn’t. I was in the middle of studying and that if I didn’t study now I would fail my final, and thus the class, and it would be her fault. She told me if I couldn’t come into work then I was fired. So yeah, I got fired for that excuse.” – Brian, 22.
6. “My job has a voicemail you call into when you can’t come in for the day. I left, what I thought, was the most perfect sounding ‘sick’ call. That was until my boss played the voicemail for myself and everyone at the office the next day when you could easily hear the club music pumping in the background. Yeahhh. That didn’t go over well.” – Finn, 25.
7. “I told my boss my mom had died and I couldn’t come in. It worked until the next day when I realized my boss and mom are friends on Facebook because of some fundraiser they did together a long time ago. My boss wanted to know if my mom was updating her Facebook account from the grave. Total face palm moment.” – Leslie, 24.
8. “My parents have a dairy farm and since my mom has been sick the past six months I’ve been helping out and staying at the farm pretty regularly. One morning I went out to feed the cows when I got bit pretty badly and needed to go to the hospital. When I told my boss I couldn’t come in or that I’d come in late because I got bit by a cow she didn’t believe me and wrote me up for it.” – Michaela, 26.
9. “Social media is such a snitch when you’re trying to get out of work!! My friend was dating this club promoter, who, at the time we all thought was so hot. He had a friend of a friend with a private jet and they wanted to take us to Vegas for the weekend. Of course, we’re like, hell yes! This sounds awesome!! I called my boss and told him I couldn’t come in because my uncle had a stroke and I needed to fly with my family to Tennessee to be with him. They believed me until the asshole club promoter tagged me in a bunch of pics and statuses on Facebook and Twitter.” – Kristen, 29.
10. “I didn’t give this excuse but one of my employees did. She told me she couldn’t come in for the day because her “weave was having a bad day.” I’m sympathetic to women’s issues but seriously, this was completely ridiculous. I asked her what we could do so her weave could have a good day. ‘Get did’ is what she replied. I just laughed and told her that no, she couldn’t call in with that excuse. She never showed up again.” – Carol, 31.
11. “I’m a dumbass. I called in twice with two different excuses on the same day. In reality I was just totally shitfaced. I remember being drunk and thinking ‘wait, did I call my boss’ so I called and was like, ‘Omg, you won’t believe it. My grandfather died! I can’t come in.’ He said, “Uhhh…Chris? I thought you just said 3 hours ago your mom had a heart attack.’ I was like, “Right! Shit! It’s been a bad day for family, man.” Got fired the next day.” – Chris, 27.
12. “Told my boss I found my girlfriend cheating on me and had to take the day off to deal with it. It was a TOTAL lie and he felt terrible because he kind of knows my girlfriend and I. It was awkward when we went to the holiday Christmas party together. We never talked about it but now he thinks my girlfriend is a cheater. lol She has NO idea about it either. Woops.” – Brian, 32.
13. “This wasn’t me but this guy I worked with at my first job out of college literally called in with the excuse that he couldn’t come in because he cut his fingernails too short and they were bleeding. He was fired immediately.” – Jess, 25.
14. “This is pretty shameful but I love using my kids as an excuse to call in to work. It works everytime. I’m just like, ‘Yeah, sorry. Emily is really sick and my wife can’t get the time off of her job. I need to stay home.’ My boss always falls for it.” – Patrick, 36.
15. “One time I called in and said it was because my cat was projectile vomiting and I needed to take her into the vet. It was a totally real excuse but now my boss calls me ‘the cat lady’ at work.” – Katie, 24.
16. “I always just try and keep it real with my employers. I’m terrible at faking it. I told my boss one day, ‘Look, I think I’m breaking up with my boyfriend of six years tonight. I can’t concentrate at work. I need to just get this done and over and I’ll come back tomorrow refreshed and focused.’ He was like, ‘Um, okay…’ and let me take the day off.” – Trista, 27.