I’ve always heard the one who cares more in a relationship has less power and the one who cares less always wins. Maybe this is true but I think while it’s easy to not give a shit it’s even easier to love someone.
I have very idealistic views about life and relationships in general. This is something I know and I’m aware of. I look at life on a larger scale and attempt to make all of my connections with people meaningful if I can, if they’ll allow it. That’s just the problem though – most people are closed off, emotionally weary, healing wounds other people have left. It’s hard to break through those walls when the other person isn’t open or receptive to having anything deeper than surface level interactions.
So many people live in this grey area where they’re barely existing, partaking in experiences with people they don’t really care about, doing things they aren’t that interested in, simply because it fills the void for the moment, for the night, because it was a flash attempt at curing the loneliness or anxiety that we all succumb to from time to time. It seems more exhausting to live life this way than to open yourself up just a little bit more.
I think about my own experiences with people that left me feeling empty; times when I’ve asked someone for clarification about what we were doing romantically to only reach a dead end, to not get answers, and to end the night wondering what the hell was the point anymore.
These are the moments that make it so easy to dive into that hazy space of being neither here nor there, to accept the numbness, and call this reality, but I’ve never known the sort of freedom that comes from being comfortable in the in-between. I either love people very passionately or not at all; find others absolutely charming or awfully tedious. I don’t know what it’s like to be in the grey area. I don’t think I ever will. And that’s okay.