Pumpkin Spice Lattes are disgusting. There. I said it.
As a white girl born and raised in the Midwest, who occasionally wears yoga pants, I understand it is my duty to not only pine for this celebrated seasonal coffee drink all year long until it becomes available, but to savor and relish it in a number of ways.
“Omg u guys, Pumpkin Spice Lattes are soooo amaze, amiright?” is a status update I’m supposed to flood the feed of my various social media accounts with, gathering a collection of likes, favorites, and comments in shared agreement by my friends and fellow coffee drinkers.
I’m supposed to take Instagram photos, to then share on Tumblr, of a warm cup of PSL in hand, with perfectly manicured fingernails in an appropriate fall shade, while wearing a cozy over-sized sweater, thus giving people a small dose of unadulterated fall porn for viewer’s eyes to feast on.
I get it, dudes, I love fall too. Fuck, fall is amazing. I grew up on an agricultural farm where my parents had an apple orchard, fields full of pumpkins, a farm market with a bakery that baked fresh apple cinnamon donuts, and an uncle with a cider mill. We also sold decorative gourds, caramel apples, and anything else associated with the season. Basically, it was like streaming xHamster fall porn 24/7 from September-November every year, a true joy most plebes would not be able to understand.
Unlike the McRib, that has easily become the fast food version of the Wachowski brothers in the number of unpredicted public appearances it makes, the PSL faithfully comes out every year at the same time. Yet somehow, as the fall porn enthusiast I am, I never had a PSL until this year. It wasn’t until I started reading various online pieces from members of the PSL cult community (I’m looking at you, Chelsea Fagan) that my awareness grew. How could I, as a lover of all things good and caffeinated, not know the real meaning behind the pumpkin flavored season?
As soon as I heard the drink was available I headed to my local Starbucks in awe and anticipation, ready to have my PSL virginity stripped from me. I went through the drive thru then headed home. I wanted to be in the comfort of my own home when my first time happened.
I took one big gulp and immediately my mouth was awash in confusion. Was this the PSL everyone talked so highly of? Why then did it taste like a dirty butthole had rubbed itself all over my drink? So I tried another sip, thinking maybe this time would be different. Maybe the second time around it would be better. Again, it was absolutely fucking disgusting and horrifying.
“Damn you, internet people!!” I raged in my head at the unsightly taste in my mouth. Not only had I just wasted 5 bucks but now I was at home with no drinkable coffee. I thought maybe I could suffer through it enough to at least get my caffeine fix.
Once more I took another brave gulp in hope that I could stomach the pungent taste but sadly, it ended in the same state of abhorrence. Sorry all you Pumpkin Spice Latte lovers, you can keep your pumpkin spice flavored poison coffee. I’ll stick with my favorite seasonal drink: Peppermint Mocha, which I can get ALL YEAR LONG.