I’ll be honest, I was never honest with him.
The thought of things coming to an end has scared me off and sent me running in the opposite direction. I despised starting over. I refused to accept the idea of the beauty of new beginnings.
So I figured that I’d rather not open myself up to the possibility of letting someone in, only to begin so perfectly and later cause an ending that would leave me broken beyond repair. A cliché, yes, but when you’ve been through situations that have left you a total wreck, you’ll understand why people keep saying these things and why walls are being built. You’ll understand the struggle of finding the right words that will somehow fit the unspeakable feeling that is ripping you from the inside.
But I still don’t understand.
The last time I checked, these walls were high enough to keep me safe from anyone. And as far as I remember, I have all these emotions in check.
3 AM and as I stared at the stars, I saw his eyes and felt that he was lost as I was, too.
I know, I’m in trouble.
I perceived no harm in letting him in on my self-made safe haven. He stayed. I will not romanticize the idea of two lost souls finding shelter in each other’s presence but trust me when I say that it can be an eye-opener. And I discovered more about myself by having him along the blurred path that we share.
But I was never honest with him.
I never told him how I wanted to say yes when he asked me if we can try and make things work.
I told him I wasn’t ready to take a chance at us. But what he didn’t know was that I’d be willing to jump into the unknown with him – eyes closed, unready.
I told him it’s better not to commit. That it’s better if we keep things the way they were. That this was the only way we can keep each other because we’re both messed up and troubled.
I wanted to keep him so bad that I thought not entirely having him would keep us from losing each other. Because I used to believe that we can’t lose something we never really had. Dense, I know.
Every 3 AM in the past years I’ve been wondering what we could have been if I was braver and honest and had the courage to break those walls.
3 AM and as I stared at the stars, I wish my words could reach him so I can properly close this chapter. Not that it needed closure, but that he needed to know the truth.
3 AM and as I finally break my walls down and find the strength in vulnerability, I thank the stars for blessing me with someone like him. He opened my eyes when I was blinded by fear and brought out the courage I never knew I can get back.
I thank him for making me realize that real happiness is just on the other side of fear. And for being the test before the lesson that freed me from the shackles of the past.
Because of him, I will never be afraid of new beginnings—regardless of what the outcome may be.