Everything About You Hurts, But I Can’t Stop Coming Back

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Dilan NaGi / Unsplash

I wake up from a nightmare and find you lying right next to me. I stare at you for a little longer than what I intend to and as if on cue, you moved closer. I can now feel you better. The warmth of your body calms the rushing blood in my veins and as I feel your breath on the right side of my face, all the worry from my nightmare fades away. All it takes is just one light kiss, and we’re taken into a world that neither of us owns. You managed to map your way into my territory. The way your fingers travel through my skin makes it seem like you know me even more than I know myself.

Holding on to what we have is like holding a knife with the blade cutting my hand. With blood all over me, I convinced myself that it’s worth the pain. You are worth everything and more. 

I’m taking the cuts, one after the other, thinking the wound will heal anyway.

Some nights you are with me during the chaos, but most of the time I’m at war with myself because of you.

Shouldn’t love be easy? Shouldn’t it be enough for two people to just go for it and never mind what the world says?

The way you utter my name sends a piercing pain straight to my heart.

You smile so beautifully it makes me lose my reason.

Your hand in mine feels so right, I don’t know if I’ll ever hold someone’s hand this way again.

I can’t make you mine. Because when I love, I love hard. And I don’t want to scare you away.

Because the world tells me that at this time and age, real is stupid. Real is frightening. Real is nothing but a concept you can read in books.

I love you and it hurts.

Every time you hold me. Every time our lips touch. Every time our heartbeats are in sync. The war I have in myself rips me from the inside.

I tried running away to save us.

I tried to run from you as far as I could. So. Many. Times.

But then one message.

You, showing up at my door.

One word and I’m once again back to you.

Every nightmare becomes bearable again.

Every war I used to fear becomes something I am ready for.

And every pain that comes with loving you feels like a blessing to me.

Fuck what the world says. If real isn’t up to the standards of this world, I’ll make something even more than that.

Everything about you hurts, but I can’t stop coming back.

Because as much as it hurts, it makes me feel more human. Alive. Capable of feeling.

And if it takes everything that I am, so be it. [tc-mrak]

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