52 Generic White Guy Names And What They’re Like In Bed

Emily Morter

1. Sam: Only texts you when he’s drunk. Immediately asks for nudes even though he hasn’t talked to you in 3 months.

2. John: Won’t stop saying, “Wow, your pussy is so wet.”

3. Andrew: Never wants to use condoms.

4. Nick: Texts you for 3 weeks hyping up his dick. When you finally hook up, you can’t even tell it’s in.

5. Bryan: Keeps his socks on.

6. Brian: Likes feet.

7. Jack: Thinks liking doggy style makes him kinky.

8. David: Hairy chest, but VERY enthusiastic about oral.

9. Dave: Blessed with a big penis. Not blessed with stamina.

10. Chad: Brags about “taking” a girl’s virginity. Thinks female orgasms are fake.

11. Ryan: Says some really weird shit during it. Not dirty talk. Just…weird stuff.

12. Aaron: Honestly thinks the back of his car is a good place to have sex.

13. Jeff: Is obsessed with doing it outside.

14. Ian: Wants you to dress up like some anime character.

15. Rob: Sweats so much.

16. Ben: Most vanilla man you’ve ever met.

17. Austin: Mentions how much he bench presses during foreplay.

18. Will: Consistently a solid B+.

19. Spencer: Keeps trying to convince you to do a threesome with your sister.

20. Cameron: Plays guitar and thinks this means he automatically knows how to touch a woman.

21. Jeremy: Always expects a blow job. Never reciprocates.

22. Matthew: Great in bed. Mean afterwards.

23. Dylan: Sticks a finger in your asshole without asking first.

24. Dan: B-O-R-I-N-G.

25. Justin: Overly confident.

26. Adam: Closet freak. 

27. Mike: Talks about how many girls he’s slept with when literally no one asked.

28. James: Wants to be called Daddy.

29. Nathan: Kind of adorably goofy in bed. Makes you feel comfortable.

30. Michael: King of Missionary.

31. Jesse: Wants to talk about conspiracy theories as part of pillow talk.

32. Travis: Insecure if you don’t moan every two seconds.

33. Kyle: Spits on your vagina. Is offended when you offer lube.

34. Jordan: Thinks sex is done as soon as he finishes.

35. Ross: Aw, honey. You tried.

36. Jared: Needs porn playing in the background.

37. Matt: Has the weirdest O face of all time.

38. Blake: Asks you to get HIM a glass of water afterwards.

39. Alex: Mediocre. Like, you can’t complain but you’re also not writing a stellar Yelp review.

40. Jim: The guy you always forget when you’re trying to remember who you’ve slept with.

41. Steven: The safe choice. Good, but not great.

42. Stephen: Has unresolved Mommy Issues. Might cry during the act.

43. Trevor: Brings up his ex when you’re with him.

44. Chris: Thinks it’s still cool to leave hickeys.

45. Christopher: Murders the vag. Says he’s gonna call. Never talks to you again.

46. Ethan: Will bring you to orgasm, but also never let you forget how “good he is”.

47. Kevin: Sweet as apple pie. Keeps asking if you’re okay.

48. Peter: Seems chill af, but secretly wild. Will fuck you against a wall without breaking a sweat.

49. Jake: Only good when he’s drunk.

50. Jacob: Is religious and wants to wait until he’s married. Still wants you to do anal.

51. Todd: Who?

52. Garrett: Likes to play The Chainsmokers during. TC mark

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