1. “It’s not you, it’s me.”
“No, it’s most definitely you.”
Darling, let’s call a spade a spade and a dick a dick. Perhaps it’s the both of you. Something didn’t click. The chemistry wasn’t there, or his ex came hollering back. But no, it’s not him. It’s almost insulting to say. It’s this assumption you can’t handle the truth that he just wasn’t that into it, so he’s decided to sugar coat it for you. Plenty of penis in the sea, Boo.
2. “If the timing were different…”
“If you were different.”
Timing doesn’t exist when you’re really feeling someone. When you really want pizza, do you decide, “I want this now. But next month I’ll enjoy it so much more.” ?? Fuck no. You eat the pizza. Bottom line: he doesn’t want to keep eating you.
3. “I have a hard time getting close to people.”
“You should try to heal me with sex.”
Vaginas can do some miraculous things, so I can’t really argue with him there. But I’d bet he gets close to people plenty.
4. “My ex was a psycho path.”
“I invalidate people’s feelings.”
Granted, yes, psycho exes do exist. But generally, if someone is ready to bash their former lover with words like “psycho” and “crazy”, it’s a red flag. Someone exhibits an emotional response to something and UH-OH, lock them up in a 72 hour hold. Only assholes say this kind of thing. And furthermore, why even discuss exes? Let the past be the past.
5. “It’s fine, I don’t even care.”
“I care a tremendous amount.”
Those who say they doth give no fucks, do indeed, give fucks.
6. “I rarely watch porn.”
“I have all the categories on PornHub memorized.”
7. “I don’t even think she’s that hot.”
“I think she’s that hot.”
8. “I prefer no make-up.”
“Haha, I don’t actually know anything!”
Because fool thinks THIS is what no make-up looks like:
9. “I only think of you when I touch myself.”
“I think about you sometimes. And your roommate. Or that girl I saw at the grocery store. Or Cara Delevingne. Or Rihanna.”
Girl, he has an entire runway passing through his head when he’s smacking the meat. It’s okay. But just understand if he says you’re his *one and only*, he is lying. Lying sack of semen.
10. “I’ve never thought about anyone else.”
“No, I totally have.”
He. Is. Lying. Girl??? It’s okay. But I hope you can smell through the bullshit.
11. “I want you to cum.”
“I’m afraid I’m about to blow my load, so I really hope you orgasm before that happens.”
12. “I’m not really looking for a relationship at the moment.”
“I mean, I could be. But not with you.”
He’s wanting to fuck, Baby. And not just you. Channel Elsa and Let It Go. Just let it go.