RomanceDating

It’s Totally Okay If You’re Not Looking For Commitment

Spending your life forever committed to one person, until death do you part, is supposed to be a romantic, grandiose notion we should all aspire to. But with everything going on in my life — new career change, getting to know myself better, and the uncertainty of where I’ll even be living in a year — I can’t help but feel kind of turned off by that idea, at least right now.

When I realized this, I felt like there was something wrong with me. Why don’t I want a boyfriend? Am I letting fear hold me back? What if the right guy comes into my life and I miss out on that fairy tale ending?

But I’ve realized those thoughts are silly. I grew up being pretty independent and “free-spirited,” as some would say. No, I’m not the assertive, “I don’t need no man,” Type A personality, but I’ve always known that I could make anything I wanted in life happen for myself.

And now that I’ve been single for quite some time, I’ve realized I’m much happier when I’m single than when I’m in relationships. Maybe — I know this is a crazy concept — that’s because I didn’t love myself. And I couldn’t find the space in my relationships to cultivate that.

But now I’m at a point where I understand myself more—I honor my needs and am fiercely pursuing a career I actually love. And now that I feel more secure with myself, I’m finding that, at least for now, a committed relationship isn’t something I want.

And there’s nothing wrong if you feel the same.

There’s a lot of heavy stigmas held around people, especially women, that are single. And once you’ve passed a certain age, that stigma gets thrown in your face left and right. On top of that, when you hang out with your not-so-single friends, you can’t help but feel like men are all they want to talk about.

I am here to tell you, though, there is nothing wrong with forgoing a committed relationship.

You’re not broken.

You’re not going against your biological nature if you don’t want a relationship. You may be going against a heavily ingrained stigma of how women should act in our society, but stigmas suck and are meant to be radically questioned.

You’re not a fraction of a woman if you don’t want commitment. You’re choosing to honor your feelings, and I believe that it takes a strong, aligned person to do just that.

You’re being selfish, but that’s okay.

You owe it to no one to be in a relationship. Not your mom, your father, your siblings, or your friends that think it would be so fun to double date.

You do owe it to yourself to be authentic in your life. If you know deep down that a committed relationship just doesn’t work for you right now, then that matter is settled. Be selfish — pursue your career or self-love with full force. Move across the country. Take on that new side hustle. And do it all without feeling like you’re letting anyone down.

Focus on yourself and stay true to your needs.

You’re not promiscuous.

A man in his late-20s meets a girl on Tinder. They go to a quiet little bar off Sunset Blvd. where they chat about their respective careers in television. Maybe it’s the sparkle in her eye from the neon sign shining through from the restaurant across the street or the perfectly iced old fashioned, but before he knows it, they’re making out in the parking lot while waiting for the Uber, with only a single destination.

A few days later, another night much like the one above, just at a different bar with a different Tinder match, takes place.

For the most part, people wouldn’t even blink an eye at that story. If anything, it sounds like the opening scene to a modern rom com.

But reread that story and replace “he” with “she.” All the sudden, the narrative becomes something else: sad, maybe even depressing with a hint of, shall I say, “slutty” mixed in.

Men have long been able to date in a certain way that was never socially acceptable for women. We’ve been slut-shamed, considered promiscuous, and people wonder why it is we choose to live such a shameful life.

Well, that is complete and utter bullshit.

You are not slutty. You are not promiscuous. You are doing nothing wrong.

Dating around and enjoying your single life is nothing to be afraid of. Of course, be safe — in and out of the bed. But don’t feel like you’re a terrible person if you want to see multiple people. I mean, what is better than the electrifying feeling of making out with a stranger on a street corner?

You’re not going to miss out on “the one.”

Life happens as it needs to happen. You don’t need to worry that your soulmate is going to walk into your life and you’ll look the other way because you’re just not into commitment right now.

That’s like never getting into a car because who knows if you might get into a fatal crash one day. The chances are super fucking slim.

A friend once told me that I wouldn’t find my soulmate anytime soon because I’m not yet at the place I want to be with my career and self-work.

He explained that the future version of myself will emit a sort of energy — not the woo woo kind — that will attract someone I genuinely want to commit to.

And damn, that couldn’t be truer. If you’re not giving off the vibe that you want to date, or that you’re happy with who you are, chances are that you’re not going to come across a lot of people that are vying for your heart. Not because you’re not desirable, but because humans are usually pretty good at sensing that stuff.

There’s always the exception to the situation: the guy that sneaks into your life unnoticed. But if it is meant to happen, it will happen.

You’re honoring how you feel.

In the end, we’re all doing the world and everyone else a favor by honoring how we feel. It would be a sucky circumstance for someone else if you got into a relationship when you weren’t ready. As long as you’re upfront about your intentions, then it is up to the other person to decide how they react.

Honoring how you feel will create sustained happiness, not just concerning love, but life in general. We aren’t doing anyone, ourselves included, any good if we ignore what our heart wants. We’re not on this planet to make others happy—our life is ours to control.

If you’re meant to be in a committed relationship, it will happen when you’re ready. If you’re simply uninterested, that’s completely fine too.

The point is, whatever way we choose to live out our love lives is ours alone to decide. And whatever that may look like will always be the right choice.

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About the author
Writer and advice columnist for relationships Follow Kirstie on Instagram or read more articles from Kirstie on Thought Catalog.

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