Advice To My Younger Self On Dating the Bad Boy

We’ve all been there. Whether we dated them, admired them, or fantasized about riding into a perfectly setting sunset of hopes and aspirations with them, we’ve all had some sort of experience with the bad boy type.

I’ve done all of the above. My high school and early 20s were littered with men that seemed edgy and, in my mind, too cool for me.

I lived for the feeling of being adored by them. I admired their charm and mystery as if engulfed in a sort of spell cast upon me.

I also spent many nights crying over these boys. I exhausted my mental energy, trying to figure out where I went wrong.

But the answer to where I went wrong didn’t lie in my actions, it was in my choice of boys. And yes, I use the word boy instead of men because 1. these particular boys acted with a maturity level of boys and 2. most of them were, given our age, boys at the time.

Looking back, there are plenty of words of wisdom I would love to bestow upon myself about the idea of dating an elusive, daring bad boy.

Is that charm or is that arrogance/insecurity/etc?

Part of the allure of the bad boy is the air to his personality. He seems to not care about much, always wants to have a good time, and probably makes crude jokes that seem funny, as long as they’re not at your expense.

Most people may consider that kind of behavior to be “charm” or “charisma,” but try thinking that it may be something else.

Does this guy treat others that he considers “below” him with a lack of respect? That’s probably an underlying insecurity that he has something to prove to this world. Is he uninterested in what’s going on in your life and prefers to talk exclusively about his? That’s pretty indicative of a person that thinks a little too highly of themselves.

So please don’t be fooled by his “charm.” The attitudes that draw in women to the bad boy type are actually negative characteristics and indicate he needs to deal with his own issues but isn’t.

The moment a boy makes you feel crazy, please leave him.

You’re not crazy for getting upset he never called you when he promised.

You’re not crazy for feeling disrespected that he flirted with another girl at a party, in front of you.

You’re not crazy for any of this, but him calling you that is a method of manipulation. Instead of questioning his own actions or owning up to his mistakes, he is trying to turn the tables. He wants you to feel like you’re the issue, rather than accepting the blame himself.

Don’t stick around for someone that isn’t able to own up to their negative behavior. The moment someone has the nerve to call you crazy, leave him, and never look back.

If he doesn’t want to commit, he’s not worth your time.

Please stop trying to act like you’re the “cool girl.” You know, the one that says she’s ok with things being casual. The one that tries to look past the fact that they’ve been dating and/or sleeping together for several months now, but he won’t even introduce her to his friends.

If you’ve been with a guy for a while, if he asks from you what a man would ask from a girlfriend, if he requests a sexual commitment from you, then you have every right to want to be in a monogamous, committed relationship.

If a boy says he’s “not ready” then take that as a sign it wasn’t meant to be. You’re here to live your life to its fullest, not to wait around for someone else to catch up to you, if they ever do.

You’re beautiful and smart, he’s unable to handle his emotions.

If a boy ever makes you feel like you’re less than the beautiful, intelligent, admirable creature you are, remove him from your life.

You deserve to be with someone that recognizes your exceptional qualities. You belong with a man that realizes how lucky he is, just as you know you are lucky too.

And if a boy ever calls you ugly, dumb, or worthless, take that as a parting gift because now you know what it feels like to experience a true asshole. Now you know what you’ll never put up with again.

What you’re seeking won’t be found in him.

You’re going after the bad boy because you’re looking to be filled by another person. You’re seeking validation and a kind of love that you otherwise didn’t receive in your life from others.

But the flat out truth is you’ll never receive what you’re looking for from him.

You need to accept, love, and make yourself happy to really fill your own cup up. You need to choose to be authentic and not bend for another person.

Once you realize that, you’ll realize that the kind of love you truly deserve is a kinda bad boy just can’t give you. Sporadic responses, elusive words about how he feels towards you, and feeling like you’re less than aren’t worth the tears he causes you.

And to be frank, you’re accepting a whole lot less than what you are actually looking for. So why waste your time?

You’re worthy of more.

One day you will watch a movie that will change your life forever. That movie is called Perks of Being a Wallflower.

You’ll watch a character, very similar to you. A smart, charming, quirky girl by the name of Sam. Sam loves to write and hang out with the “weirdos.” She has thoughts about our existence on this planet that surpass the mundane ideas crafted in the mind of your average high schooler.

But being the magnificent woman she is, she continually dates the “asshole.” The ones that make her feel like her thoughts don’t matter. The ones that say her prom is too lame to go to. The ones that end up cheating on her.

And she chooses these men because she is only willing to accept the love she thinks she deserves.

And that’s what you are doing. You’re not accepting your creative energy that exudes whenever you write or draw. You’re not looking in the mirror and seeing the beautiful face that the rest of us are lucky to admire. You’re not realizing how exceptionally spectacular you are. And that’s why you choose to date men that treat you like less than; because you believe you are less than.

You’re worthy of being cared for by someone that makes you feel at home, not like you’re on a constant roller coaster. You deserve someone who supports you in your ambitions, not a boy that holds you back. You deserve someone that sees your faults and is willing to be there with you while you work through them or simply learn to accept them.

You deserve more than what a bad boy can give.

Dating + Relationship Writer & Coach

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