The first time I met you. How easy it was for me to have a conversation with you. We talked for hours until they started closing down the restaurant and putting the chairs on top of the tables in front of us.
The way you got insecure about your laugh lines showing when you smiled. It was my favorite thing about you, especially when I was the reason for them showing up.
How easy I was able to fit into your arms. They used to be my safety net, but they couldn’t be further away from me now.
When you remembered all the little things. My favorite alcoholic drink, when I got out of work, or even taking me somewhere because I just wanted to relax and get away for a bit.
The place where your truck used to wait for me to come out and meet you. You never went up to my door, I always had to come to you. I can walk by that spot and almost forget now.
How I was only good enough to meet your friends and not your family. I was dating you for almost a year and never once met them. Was I not good enough?
How familiar I became with the back of your truck. But never once was I offered to step foot into your house. Were you ashamed of me?
How I was always the one to text you first or make plans. Because I was so afraid if I didn’t you would forget about me. I guess I got my answer after all once I stopped.
The jackets you bought me to keep me warm for the winter because you knew how cold I was. I donated them because I couldn’t stand looking at them anymore in my closet.
All the secrets I told you, the ones I was even afraid to tell my own mother. I thought I could trust you, but I mistook another person’s eyes for sincerity.
How I always felt like I had to run in order to keep up with you. I go at my own pace now.
How you made me feel so small, to the point where I couldn’t even see myself I was shrinking so fast.
Your condescending voice I mistook for beautiful.
How I thought you were always there for me, but you never were. My birthday party, my graduation, my mom’s wedding—you were the only one missing that I wanted. I’m glad none of those pictures have you in them now.
Your hands. They always had other plans besides staying still or on your side. I gave in too much to you because I felt like I had to or else you’d leave me. Guess it didn’t matter after all, did it?
Knowing you only ever saw me as an option and not a choice.
How you’d put your jacket around my shoulders when I got cold walking back to your truck. Looking back now ,that was the only nice thing you ever did.
That time we went to the theater and it was snowing before we walked in. You held onto me tight so you wouldn’t lose me in the crowd. I was stupid enough to admit that’s when I started to fall for you. I should’ve known you wouldn’t end up catching me.
When you would only put on Taylor Swift if I asked, even though you knew she was my favorite. That was the moment I realized I would never beg a man to do the bare minimum for me again.
When you made me feel guilty for not doing something for you. Like it was my fault for saying no to something.
When I thought you could help me put the missing or broken pieces of me back together. But you only made more of a mess.
How much I allowed for you to be my muse in my stories and writing. How does it feel to be the villain now?
How, in the end, you never really cared for me in the first place. Because someone who cared wouldn’t just up and leave without any explanation. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt so badly it made me sick.
But you did me the biggest favor of my life leaving. So, thank you for proving to me for once in my life that I deserve better than whatever I thought you could give me.
I’m so glad you weren’t the one.