To All The Boys Who I’ve Given My Heart

This is not meant to be sad or angry or any other emotion we associate with love and heartbreak. I need you to know first and foremost how hard it can be to write about the things that used to give us so much bliss and happiness and is now spoiled and tainted with bad memories we’d rather close entirely out of our minds.

But there comes a time where we look back at all the times we shared with one person or all the people who have come into our lives. Whether it was unexpected or meant to be, all those moments come back to us and we see why some things had to end and weren’t meant to work out in our favor.

As much as it can hurt to uncover our past and open our wounds that may or may not have completely healed, sometimes we have no choice to but to look back if it means all that’s left now is to keep moving forward.

This is a story of blinded love, a story of lies, a story of hurt, the worst type of pain there is, a story of heartbreak, a story of redemption, and finally, a story of pure happiness and freedom.

To the boy who was my first boyfriend. I was fifteen years old and you told me you loved me one month in over text message. I remember fawning over you in the halls, our lockers were right near each other. And when you gave me your sweatshirt in the middle of June because I told you I was cold when really I just wanted something of yours to call mine, I thought this could be something. But I broke up with you over text one month later. You dated my ex-friend for four years after that and then you cheated on her while I had to pick up the pieces of her broken heart our Freshman year of college. What can I say? Thanks for not doing that to me. I hope you don’t make the same mistake twice.

To the boy who was my first kiss. I was eighteen years old and it was the day after Senior prom. I had a crush on you since middle school. I remember when your lips touched mine and I didn’t think twice about not feeling any sparks because how was I supposed to know how that felt? We tried long-distance once I went to college and you went back home to Virginia. But you broke up with me over text and that was that. You’re married now and I truly hope you’re happy because you look it.

To the boy who gave me hope again. I was a Senior in college. You were a theater major and we met in Jazz class. You knew how to light up a stage and I was still learning how to navigate the world with graduation less than a year away. We made out under the stars in the middle of the field at night and you’d hold my hand when walking me back to my dorm room. You were the first guy I stayed overnight with at your own apartment and I felt so grown up. But then you broke up with me because you needed to focus on yourself. A week later you started dated someone you introduced me to as your really good friend. You’ve been together almost three years now, I’m glad to see you’re doing well.

To the boy who ghosted me. It was a month after my last boyfriend broke up with me. We went on one date and talked so much the waitress kept giving us dirty looks because we were her last table and she wanted to leave but we just stayed and talked. I hadn’t laughed that much or connected with someone like that in so long. We made plans for another time but then you stopped talking to me. I thought I did something wrong. The only way I could get your attention was at 1am when I was drunk. We tried hanging out again as friends but you were too unreliable for me to keep in my life. I hope you’re learning how to keep someone now.

To the boy who only wanted me for my body. I should have said this then but I’ll say it now. I am a person, not an object. I didn’t know then that I could’ve left your dorm room even if it was at 2am to walk back to mine. I will never make that mistake again.

To the boy who changed my life. I wasn’t looking for anything and neither were you. I was the first person you ever said I love you to. You were a lot of my firsts. I was able to write about love in a way I never felt before. The kind that makes your knees weak and heart skip a beat. But I didn’t know how to handle that kind of love and it left me anxiety-ridden, always needing you by my side and feeling that without you I was nothing.

I went to therapy when my depression got bad. After I felt I didn’t need it anymore you broke up with me. Said you loved me but didn’t see a future with me anymore. You started dating someone you were talking to when you were still with me. I spent so many nights crying on my pillowcase. I thought about ending my life because at the time I couldn’t see a life without you in it. But I’m doing better now, It’s been almost a year. I know I’ll never forget you, and I hope you never forget me. Sometime I think I still love you, but I know I deserve better. I hope you find someone worth keeping.

To the boy I used as a rebound after that relationship. I’m sorry. I hope one day I see your artwork in a museum, you have a lot of talent.

To the boy who helped me with trying to get over my ex, the nights we spent drinking in your apartment and watching shows. I opened up to you and you took in every single word. You always made breakfast for me when I stayed over after drinking too much the night before. You showed me how to have a good time and know that there are better things out there. I had a crush on you in high school but I think we’re better as friends. Let’s get together soon.

To the boy I thought could be something. We met last December, a month I normally hate you made better. We talked at a pub and saw live music and you kissed me in the street after drinking a little too much and it felt how sparks should feel. We continued kissing on New Year’s Eve and in your apartment and your hands felt nice running through my hair. I should have known not to date someone older than me though. You stood me up and waited until the next day to send a sad excuse for an apology. I hope you learned how to grow up.

To the boy who was all the right things. You were everything I needed and everything I wanted to have. You took me on a date to a bookstore because you listened to what I liked and I can never thank you enough for seeing me as something more than a damaged person. I’m sorry I never let my walls down for you. I’m sorry I broke up with you but I think we both need to deal with our own demons. The time we spent together was some of the best times I’ve had in a long time. You helped me see I was no longer that sad girl anymore. I hope we can meet again someday when we’re in better states, even if it’s just as friends.

I want you all to know how thankful I am for having you all come into my life. Through all the laughs, tears, fights, kisses, and so much more you all shaped me into the person I am today. And I can say I have never felt more secure and happy before in my entire life.

So, to all the boys I gave my heart to,

Thank you.

And to all the boys I haven’t given my heart to yet and the one I will give my heart to forever,

I’m ready.

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I write about my past and what’s caused me pain Follow Kirstie on Instagram or read more articles from Kirstie on Thought Catalog.