When you’re in love it feels like the world is spinning so fast. You’re constantly in the moment, relishing on every single touch and smile being brought across your face from the one who makes you feel like home. You open yourself to this person by releasing the foundation on your walls you built up so high all by yourself because you think they’re the ones who can see you for who you are.
But, then just like it was so easy for them to come into your world because you made it that way for them, they somehow find a way to escape it. They leave you for reasons you can’t explain sometimes and you’re now forced to pick up the pieces alone, even when it feels impossible since a few are now missing.
You spend a lot of time contemplating whether or not love is worth it. Because your heart went through a lot of damage the first time around when you thought you were giving it to the one person who would never break it. You trusted them with every fiber in your being to hold onto it tight and make sure to gently kiss the bruises from your past.
They say time heals all wounds, and they’re right. You can’t expect yourself to find someone new the next day, week, month, or sometimes even year. And as much as you tell yourself and repeat over and over to yourself in the mirror every night, it doesn’t go away easily and you’re not fine. But it’s okay, I need you to know it’s okay.
Because one day, when you’re not looking and you least expect it, someone new comes into your world. They may need some time to get an insight into who you are. You remember in the back of your head the time you gave your heart out to someone so soon, so you’re guarding it and keeping watch. But if you allow them and give them enough time and patience, you’ll start to feel your heart growing big from the love you were destined to find all along.
I think it’s very brave of someone to give love a second chance. Because when they’ve seen someone who they thought they could trust to hold their heart in their hands drop it and break in front of them like they meant nothing to them you kind of just want to throw in the towel and give up. But in some crazy way, as much I was wanted to keep my heart protected and guarded for what I thought would be the rest of my life, I found it beating to the normal beat again when I met someone new.
When I was at my lowest nearly six months ago, I truly believed that nothing good would ever come into my life again. I thought my time for being so blissfully happy was up and I never fully got the chance to enjoy it. Mainly because I was so blinded by the idea of it that I didn’t realize until it was taken away from me that that wasn’t how it was supposed to feel.
I wasn’t supposed to feel like I was constantly questioning myself and thinking I wasn’t good enough for someone. I wasn’t supposed to feel like I was on edge all the time and convinced myself that no matter what I did or tried it would never be enough for someone. I wasn’t supposed to feel like I was an option instead of a choice.
I’m what I like to call a cautious head first romantic. It takes a while for me to put down all my walls when it comes to meeting someone new and opening myself and my heart to them. Then, when I get to know them over a period of time I go too fast and find myself crashing and burning from the fall of going over the speed limit.
But then I saw myself moving again and releasing the bricks from the walls caged around my heart for this person. Because for the first time in a long time I feel seen. I don’t feel like I ever have to question myself or every step I take with this person. And whenever I think I don’t feel the best or like life can just be too damn hard sometimes, he reminds me why it’s worth it, even the hard times.
I told myself I was never going to fall so fast. I told myself I would take the time to fix the broken pieces back to my heart and not have someone else use them the way that other person did. I wouldn’t give it out freely to guys who would take what they wanted and never return after their needs were satisfied. I told myself that drinking was enough to numb the pain instead of a real human connection to help rebuild the shards that were once my heart.
But I guess I broke all of my rules for him. And it’s the best decision I ever did.