I want you to do something for me.
I want you to stop what you’re doing and take a deep breath
It doesn’t matter where you are right in this moment. Whether you’re sitting alone in your room in complete darkness to hide your face covered with tears. Whether you’re out at a noisy bar right now with your friends who brought you out to have a fun night but you’d rather escape out the window from the bathroom. Or whether you’re outside for the first time all day because the thought of inhaling fresh air instead of the same stale air you’ve grown accustomed to in the past few days enticed you.
I want you to close your eyes when you do this. I know, it seems weird, especially if you’re out right now, but trust me. I know you can’t see anything right now but I want you to really hear what’s going on right now. Whether it’s silence, slurred words from the group near you or the hush of the wind brushing through your uncombed hair.
Do you know what that feels like? How you’re feeling in this moment? Control. You have control over this moment. I know it’s not something you’ve been used to. Maybe this is the first time you’ve felt like someone isn’t spinning you out of control. It’s a tiny fragment of an accomplishment, to be able to gain back a sense that you have a say in what’s going on. Because for a while, you lost that and you’re still probably learning how to get it back.
I want you to know first and foremost how beautiful you are. How without your smile, the world would be a little dimmer. Maybe that person you were with didn’t see how you could light up a whole room and decided to take it away from you. I hope you know your smile is still there and the corners of your mouth would really love to turn upwards every once in a while instead of always being down. But it will take time and I know when you start to make it genuine the world will breathe a heavy sigh of relief.
I want you to know that none of this was your fault. I know the first thing we tend to do to ourselves when someone who’s supposed to love you hurts you is we put the blame on us. We go back to the beginning of the relationship to pick apart every single detail. Anything that you could’ve changed whether it was a stupid argument over plans or the first time in your relationship where you felt things were going sour. But I think the more we go back to those times instead of seeing them as just memories now makes the healing process that much harder.
Believe me, I’m one to know. I know how it feels to want to relish on those moments of pure bliss and blinded love. We do it so much to ourselves that we forget why it didn’t work out in the first place. And now we’re left with trying to pick up the broken pieces of our heart all by ourselves because the one person we trusted to hold it in the palm of their hand dropped it.
I want you to know how strong you are. Even if you don’t believe it yourself. Even if the thought of getting out of bed every single day makes your knees weak and head hurt. Even if the thought of having to go back to your regular routine without that one person who used to be constant is no longer apart of the equation. I want you to know I see how you manage to pull the covers off you instead of letting them consume you. I want you to know I see how good you’re able to hold it together when I know all you want to do is break down and crumble.
And that’s okay. Because here’s the thing, heartbreak sucks. It’s to this day one of the absolute hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. There was a time that I couldn’t make it through the day unless I cried. So please, I’m begging you, just cry. Because if you continue to let it fester inside of you, you’re going to explode and you won’t know how to handle it. So go ahead and cry to your friends in the car, to your mom on the rocks at the beach while it’s drizzling, or on your pillow as it becomes stained with your tears. But know this, there’s going to be a day that those tears turn into happy tears from laughing with your loved ones until your stomach hurts and you can no longer see out of your eyes.
But here’s the thing, I can’t predict when that will happen for you. Believe me, I wish I could. I wish I could take the pain you’re feeling right now, bottle it up, and throw it into the ocean and let the waves take it as far away as possible. I wish I could take some of your pain away and never have to see you cry over someone who would never shed a tear over you. Someone who took you for granted and didn’t see the amazing human being you are.
I need you to remember that you’re worth it. That even on your toughest days where you want to give up because it’s easier than living in a fog that the skies will clear and your light will come back.
I don’t know why the people who are supposed to love us and tell us they will never hurt us end up changing their mind. I don’t know why it’s okay for them to just up and leave you when you thought everything was good and you were going forward instead of three steps back. I don’t know why you have to be the one to reevaluate your entire life choices and decisions while they’re out there planning a new life with someone else.
But I do know this, and you can roll your eyes and throw your phone or computer or whatever you’re using to read this. I know that there’s going to be someone out there for you who sees you for the person you tried to give to the one who took you for granted. A person who will help you pick up the broken pieces of your heart and one by one fit them back together and kiss and hold on tight to every single shard.
Maybe you won’t even see them coming. Because I know you’re not looking for someone right now. The thought of that is too painful. But I want you to know that I’m proof of this. I’m proof of someone who lived in her own tiny version of hell months ago. I’m proof of someone who dealt with their own heartbreak and had moments where I wanted to just give up. I’m proof of someone who learned how to heal the right way and not with alcohol and a new guy every weekend. I’m proof of someone who learned to fall back in love with hersefl after being tainted with what I thought was the right version of love. I’m proof that you can find someone out there who will change your mind about what it means to be happy and not second-guessing or questioning every move you make. I’m proof that the light will come back to you when you thought you lost it for good.
So, give love a second chance. You owe yourself that. Because you were able to get through the fire and come out with some scars. But you made it and I’m so proud of you for getting up and continuing to go out into the world instead of letting the world close you in. I can’t wait to see you flourish.
And when you fall for someone this time, make sure they’re there to catch you and not leave you crashing onto the pavement.