Here’s to you,
I want to say thank you. Thank you so much for hurting me. For leading me on for the 15 months we were in a relationship. A time where I felt a mixture of pure bliss and pure anxiety, probably the worse I had in years.
But you see, you made it all seem normal. The crying in your bed when you said you couldn’t see me again that night even though we’d been seeing each other the last two nights in a row. I always waited until I could hear the door close and you walking down the steps before I started to bawl my eyes out into your pillow. I guess there was a difference between being needy and being so consumed with one person that you couldn’t be by yourself for one night without going stir crazy. I’ve learned the difference now.
I always needed to find a way to communicate with you. So I sent text after text and even when you’d reply with one-word answers or nothing at all for hours on end I still waited by my phone for your message to pop up. I thought that was love, I was infatuated by you. And I put you pretty damn high on that pedestal that by the time we were through I could barely see you anymore. How does it feel now to sit up there?
Now, that’s the funny part. Everything I thought was good and lovely was all the bad and terrible parts. I guess my track record has always been shitty. But I thought you could turn the tables on me. I certainly didn’t catch the red flags, because I was too blinded by the person looking in front of me to see anything else. Who knew after all this time I was face-to-face with the devil?
Look what you’ve done, now I’m crying writing this. Because for some reason your hold is still on me. After all the months of erasing every single memory I had in my head there’s still a little bit dangling on the edge of the cliff waiting for me to let you go. But your grip is too tight, no matter how many times I kick and claw at you to leave.
Drinking has been fun without you giving me a disappointing stare. You know the one. I bet you’re doing it now. The one that comes with the same sentence, “That’s it, you’re cut off now.” I never listened to you, and maybe that’s the one thing I should’ve. At least I know now why you never helped me when I was face down in the toilet throwing up. My mistake, no, your mistake. You take care of the ones you love, not watch them suffer.
I came across a picture of you with your new girlfriend. I guess she isn’t new to you. Yeah, I know you were talking to her when you were still with me. I bet you were with her when you would text me to tell me you missed me. Or how you couldn’t wait to see me so you could kiss me all over and do me on your couch. Because apparently to you the thought of you doing that to me was too much for you to think about and try to get through the rest of your workday. But looks like you had some company to help you through.
But, much to your surprise and everything I’ve been saying, I want you to be happy. I want you to be so happy that you never think of me again, though I’m a hundred percent sure my name doesn’t cross your mind. Or the way my fingernails would dig into your back as your breath felt warm against my ear. Or the way I’d prance around in a dress for you so you’d show some interest in me. What exactly was I to you? Because I sure as hell wasn’t your future, something you used to coddle me with to get me to stop talking about it.
It’s okay, I forgive you. I truly do. I’ve done so much talking about you that even people that have never met you hope you dig your own grave and lay in it. The same ones who have watched me wipe my tears and done it for me. Who saw me barely able to stand upright without wanting to fall down and stay there in a fetal position until the pain would go away. The ones who told me I deserve better and will find it someday.
And they’re right, I do deserve better. I deserve someone who doesn’t make me feel like I’m walking on broken eggshells every day. I deserve someone who doesn’t make my heart jump every time I see your phone light up and you discreetly turn away to answer it. I deserve someone who sees an actual future with me instead of leading me on and taking away 15 months that I can never get back.
So, I’m going to find him, and I know I’m getting closer. But you’ll never get to see how good I am now and how happy I’ve felt the last few months since you left my life. Because it’s true that when you let go of the toxins in your system you start to feel a hell of a lot better. It just took me longer, but I’ll never go back.