I remember a time when I’d fall asleep crying myself to sleep. You’d meet me in my dreams that haunted me. I’d wake up and there was a pain that physically hurt. Wanting to just lay in bed and dwell over a relationship ending. A relationship in which I truly believed you were the one. Overcome with a loss that felt more like mine than yours. I guess that’s what happens when you love someone more than they loved you.
I’d go out drinking and my friends would watch me take shots with no chaser knowing the night would end with my crying talking about you as they held back my hair and I vomited. I’m not proud of the things I did to try and forget you. Drowning myself in anything I could only to realize you were with me everywhere.
Looking at my phone wanting to text you, knowing I shouldn’t but doing it, anyway. Another fight full hateful words where it was like we were trying so hard to hurt one another more than we might have already.
Turning into a complete psychopath trying to do everything I could to not let go. I think it’s only really love when you act crazy trying to revive it. Doing everything you possibly can to win them back.
You’ll realize later it’s not supposed to be that difficult.
Going on dates wishing it was you sitting across from me. Apologizing to the person in front of me because they tell you to date but what happens when you aren’t ready for it?
Hooking up with people just because and realizing a physical relationship puts a band-aid on it for a moment but then I’d wake up even more lonely.
Wondering how something so good turned me into someone I wasn’t.
What everyone fails to realize at the ends of relationships are the really intense and emotional ones end badly because there is no graceful way to end something was good.
The days that went slow and people trying to comfort me but there wasn’t anything anyone can say to change what had happened.
Working out more than I ever have in my life because I thought if I changed I could win you back.
Falling apart when I deleted you on social media because that’s when I really knew it’s over. Deleting your number and crying as I did so just so I wasn’t tempted to text you. Removing tags from pictures before you beat me to it but saving them on my phone. A removed tag didn’t make me forget past though it just made it hurt more.
It was seeing you everywhere. In every song. On every street. In every place. Waking up and remembering when you used to lay right next to me.
Everyone said give it time and I would heal.
But when you are heartbroken and getting over someone time feels like it’s completely frozen and there is no moving on and even if you try to the thought of them not in your future and in your life makes you feel so empty.
I talked to anyone who will listen as if replaying things like that would help me to understand why it ended in the first place.
Waking my friend up at three am because I had never been that sad before in my life and I was scared of what this pain turned me into.
That’s heartbreak and your first one, that one that really brings you to your knees and changes you.
There isn’t a pain in the world like it and there isn’t anything someone including myself can say to make it go away or make you heal faster.
But one day you are going to wake up and it’s not going to hurt as much and you aren’t going to think about them as often. And you’ll watch yourself start to heal.
You’ll hear your song and it won’t make you cry.
You’ll date again and see parts of them in others and smile.
You’ll see pictures and remember how good it was at one point and be happy to have even had that.
Then they come back. Because when it was real love at any point, they always have a way of coming back into your life.
And maybe it won’t turn into another relationship or trying again. Maybe you’ll just try and be friends. Maybe you’ll look back at it all laughing. History has a way of bonding people. I truly believe you always find your way back if the feelings were true and genuine.
You’ll realize though what’s changed is you and you don’t want them back. A part of you will always love them and love what you had but you aren’t that person anymore.
They’ll text you and hit you up. Once upon a time that would have made your stomach flip a hundred times as you carefully crafted what to say back. Now you pick and choose when to answer.
This person compliments you and your attitude that might have been filled with hope if they said that a while ago is replaced with a confidence of ‘I know.’
You get over them and it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do but you’ll realize you really can live and function and thrive without them.
Those desperate attempts you made trying to win them back will be just lessons learned because you’ll realize you’re the one who deserved more.
And when enough time passes they are going to start to miss you too. Miss the way you made them feel about themselves because you loved them so honestly and with everything you had.
And they are going to tell you everything you always wanted to hear. But everything they say is going to be a little too late because they had their chance.
Then what is going to happen is you choosing to walk away.
You look at yourself in the mirror and realize you made it and you did it without them.