What We Got Wrong About Modern Dating (Because It Isn’t Supposed To Be Casual And Confusing)

John Schnobrich

Every person I talk to says dating today is a little complicated. It’s a little bit harder than it used to be. The word relationship is almost a foreign one because no can even commit to plans let another each other.

If you asked me what the problem was, I think it comes down to fear.

We fear giving up our freedom and options so we never commit.

We fear getting hurting so we never take a chance on really loving someone.

We fear rejection so we don’t even try anymore.

We fear pain, so we carelessly relationship hop, hurting one another before they beat us to it.

The want and need for immediate gratification lead to us giving up on people a little too quickly. Looking for flaws and any sort of shortcoming that will give us an excuse to walk away instead of trying harder.

What a lot of people don’t realize is initially you are going to see every difference at first. We are programmed to do that. But in time you learn to love those flaws. But all of those things take time and chances. A fair chance that people aren’t giving each other anymore.

Because if one message leads to an unmatch and your response is to look at yourself and what you said wrong, you are focusing on the wrong thing and that isn’t the right person even if you were to say the right thing. And if you are overcome with fear of saying one wrong thing, you’ll never be able to truly be yourself.

I’m all for dating apps and trying them out I just think people are going into them with the wrong mindset.

You download a dating app and you’re suddenly afraid to say you want a relationship.

You download a dating app and you’re suddenly afraid to say I want a real date.

You download a dating app and you’re expected to just want a hookup. But people aren’t programmed to just hookup.

You’ll always feel empty engaging in physical relationships if you don’t even try and form an emotional one.

We aren’t getting what we want in relationships because we are too afraid of asking for it so we settle for things that look and feel like it could be the real thing and we get disappointed when we aren’t met with what we didn’t ask for.

It’s okay to want a relationship in a generation that shames most people for even saying that.

Dating is calling her, actually picking up the phone and calling her on a Monday to see if she’s free on a Friday and if she says yes, you make a reservation.

Dating shouldn’t be just meeting up for drinks. It’s having an actual meal together without looking at your phone. It’s seeing if you can hold a conversation and if you enjoy each other’s company.

Dating isn’t some meetup that’s casual. Dating is getting in your car and picking her up and driving her home and telling her you had a good night, then texting her when you’re home safely thanking her again.

Dating shouldn’t be playing hard to get and waiting to answer being too afraid if you responded too quickly, it should be answering right when you see it and when you can because if you are confident in yourself, you’re not going to care what someone might think of you.

Dating today has become this game of robbing each other’s confidence and seeing who cares less because for some reason those people are getting the upper hand.

We’ve grown to fear rejection so much we swipe through our phones on a night out instead of going up to someone we find attractive and going for it. We turned into a generation that needs validation and confirmation before we act. That takes away the fun part of dating. And the fun part of dating is taking a chance on someone when you aren’t sure but it feels right.

Dating isn’t if they blow up your phone and text you all the time and tag you in shit. It’s not getting excited because they liked your Instagram post of looked at your story.

Those things are just a distraction and a tool used to confuse one another and we all fall for it. The right relationship isn’t going to be on your phone, it’s going to be the person standing next to you in real life making you feel good and secure.

Dating isn’t some late night text you send when you’re out with your boys and you didn’t seal the deal with someone else so you text the girl you kind of sort of made plans with but didn’t confirm hoping she’ll meet up later.

Dating is going into a night and knowing where you’re going to wake up tomorrow and that you want it to be with just one person. It’s shutting down anyone else that hits on you because you’re flattered but you already have it great.

It’s not rushing to get out of there in the morning milking a hangover. You are going to enjoy being there with them because there isn’t anyone you’d rather have next to you.

Modern dating today fills everyone with anxiety and doubt and confusion when in reality you should be standing next to someone you are sure of.

Dating isn’t some passive aggressive post you hope they see and take the hint. Dating addressing the problem if there is one and finding a solution.

Dating isn’t the WCW and needing that and a hundred likes, it’s being so sure of the other you don’t need that.

Dating isn’t some relationships with blurry lines and something that isn’t labeled, wondering if you can post that picture or not. Dating is not even having to ask the other person in the first place.

Dating isn’t keeping your options open its meeting the right person and committing to them because none of us should be afraid of commitment.

It’s meeting the person’s friends and family when they already know about you and they are excited to meet you too.

It’s sharing in vulnerable moments because that’s what forms emotional connections. It’s realizing vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness but essential.

Dating is realizing how different sex actually is when you’re sharing it with someone you care about and not just doing it because that’s expected when you go home with someone you don’t even know in the first place.

It’s realizing casual relationships aren’t what you want and it’s okay to start asking for what you do.

It’s not analyzing your reflection or fixating upon what you say because if someone going to judge you that quickly, then that’s on them and it’s their loss they didn’t take the time to get to know you.

It’s meeting someone and not being afraid of telling them you make me happy. I’m really glad I met you. I’m enjoying this and it feels right.

Relationships are supposed to be so much easier than we are making them out to be.

It’s realizing how childish it is to mess with one another just because someone has hurt you or confused you or left you in the dark.

It’s rising above that and making a choice to date differently than what has become modern normal dating.

Dating is complicated enough without making it any harder for ourselves.

Stay honest. Stay genuine. Date in the fashion representing the relationship you’d like to have in your life, don’t date fearfully lowering your standards just because no one else knows how. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Writer living in Hoboken, NJ with my 2 dogs.

Keep up with Kirsten on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok and kirstencorley.com

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