This Is Me Pretending Not To Care

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Patrick Tomasso

This is me walking away from heartbreak you caused in a story that hurt only me. The one where I poured my heart out to you and all you did was listen. Taking what I had to give so carelessly like that was easy for me. Easy to admit exactly how I felt knowing very well I was the one who was going to lose. But I tried anyway. Maybe that makes me foolish for trying so hard with you. Believing in you. Trusting you. Because I shouldn’t have.

This is me not painting some false reality of words I wish you said and looking closely at the things you do. This is me judging your actions over your words because you said you care but you did nothing to prove it. This is me no longer trying because I’m tired of hearing you’re busy. I’m tired of the responses that come 3 days too late. I’m tired of reading too much into mixed signals that don’t actually mean a thing. But I want them to.

This is me walking away and not getting my hopes up or getting used to you because all you do is leave when you want to. This is me not looking back even when I want to because I want to know if you’re watching me as I go. I don’t want to give you the satisfaction of showing I care more than I should.

This is me pretending not to care because I really want to answer your text but I know it’s best I shouldn’t because all we do is run in circles. This is me not thinking much of the fact you just blew up my newsfeed liking things I wish you didn’t. Looking at stories first I wish you hadn’t. But you linger reminding me you’re still there.

This is me pretending not to care and if ever anyone would ask, I don’t look at your Insta or FB just to see how you’re doing. Thinking back to a time when I used to know that answer.

This is me pretending not to care because I hate thinking back to a time when you were the one I talked to every day and the Good Morning text I loved waking up to.

This is me realizing I deserve someone who wants to wake up next to me and you were never going to be that person…be what I needed.

This is me realizing you’re someone I can’t trust any more even though there were moments I confided in you about everything. Moments where you meant so much to me and I thought it was mutual.

This is me pretending not to care because I didn’t deserve to be lied to or led on or fucked with just because you were unsure. Regardless I fell for every line so foolishly thinking just maybe you wouldn’t hurt me too.

This is me looking at you for who you are not the person I wanted you to be.

This is me trusting my friends more than myself because none of them understood what I saw in you. But I didn’t want to give up on you. But looking back maybe I should have.

This is pulling back on my effort because you didn’t deserve it in the first place. This is me pretending not to care all those times you disappointmented me. All those times you didn’t show up when you swore you’d be there. All those times you made up lies of why you had to cancel. All those times I did so much leaving you to do so little but you couldn’t even do that.

This is me pretending not to care because I know I deserve better even in the moments I thought you were the best.

This is me pretending not to care because it hurts to look back at the good times we had together because it wasn’t all bad and you weren’t so horrible. I think back to every laugh and every memory I hold so close to my heart. All those times you did help me and make me better and make me happier. Every time we parted ways I meant it when I said I love you.

This is me pretending not to care because I hate the fact we didn’t end up together.

I hate analyzing things and wondering why and thinking it was me or something I did wrong.

This is me pretending not to care because I hate thinking it was me who fell short of what you deserved when I tried so hard to be it.

This is me pretending not to care because it’s easier to say I don’t care than admit you hurt me as much as you did. Admit you shook up my life just by being in it and how much you affected me every time you walked away.

This is me pretending not to care because I think part of me always will. Part of me will always look for you in the places we used to go together. Part of me will always turn my head sharply when I hear someone call your name. Part of me will secretly wish it’s you just so I could see you again but at the same time knowing it’s better if I don’t.

This is me pretending not to care because I wish I could hate you and you probably deserve it but I know deep in my heart I never actually will and I’ll always be grateful to have had you, even if you weren’t mine to keep. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

But Before You Leave

“Losing you would be like losing part of me, only it’d be losing the best part of me.”

“Even if your voice is shaking, never stop asking for what you want.”

Kirsten’s writings really touch me. It’s like all the things I have ever thought of or wanted to say are expressed through her writing. I resonate with so much of it. It’s so deeply touching, moving, raw and just plain real. There were times reading I teared up because something said just went straight to my heart. I think I honestly highlighted almost the whole book! —Elizabeth

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