When You Meet A Decent Guy After Relationships That Were Toxic Uncertain And Full Of Blurry Lines

Manuel Meurisse

When all you are used to is uncertainty and blurry lines you aren’t going to trust the person at first. With every word, they say you’re going to wonder if they are lying. With every gesture, you are going to wonder what they want from you. When they compliment you, you’re going to wonder if there’s a motivate. When they pay you’re going to think you owe them something. With every kiss and every touch, you’re going to wonder about something more not because you want that but because in the past that’s always how it’s gone.

When you’ve been in unhealthy, toxic, casual relationships, the certainty and someone liking you for you is everything you wanted but everything you’re not used to.

When they keep their plans and confirm and make a reservation you still wonder if they are going to cancel. Not because they have ever but because so many people before him, left you dressed and ready only to be sitting in your room with nowhere to go.

The dates go almost too well and that’s the only flaw you can find in him. It’s easy and simple. And you know that’s what you deserve. But at the same time, you question it.

You’ve always pined after the mystery of someone who keeps you on your toes. There is something attractive about the person you can’t have. And even though the games you hate and this guy doesn’t play them, it’s just different.

Because the thing about girls who continue to go after that type that leaves them staring at their phone and wondering how they feel, there’s this adrenaline rush dating the bad boy who keeps you at arm’s length.

But with a decent guy, there’s none of that. And you’re not used to a relationship that’s simple.

You’ve probably mumbled to yourself, ‘it’s too good to be true.’ Or question if he’s boring or ‘not your type.’ That’s the best thing about him is you need someone who isn’t your type.

You’re waiting cautiously for any red flag that shows you he’s just like everyone else, you’ve ever dated. Overthinking everything and expecting the worst.

If there’s one thing you’ve learned it’s how fast someone can change their mind about you. But time and time again he proves he’s different from the rest.

People shy away from what they don’t know. And girls who have a series of unhealthy relationships in the past tend to respond to this change with rejection. Which is a huge mistake. Because when you’re done complaining about the things you’re tired of then someone comes into your life and is everything you could have ever imagined, the number one way you mess it up is by finding flaws within them when in reality it could very well be the best relationship of your life if they didn’t analyze this person under a microscope comparing them to every horrible person in your past.

Decent guys have it tough because girls compare them to guys who aren’t even on their same playing field.

When you meet a decent guy and you’re used to everything but that, you have to be careful to not be the one to ruin it by not giving the relationship a fair shot.

Girls who come out of a series of bad relationships are programmed to decipher lies and shadiness. It’s almost on autopilot learning how to read these types of people. Mastering the art of the game an asshole plays and learning to play it better. Learning exactly how to react and what to say and when. Investing a lot of emotions and time into something that will only ever be an almost.

Then you come across someone who is blunt and honest and his best quality isn’t the number of girls he’s talking to or how coy he is with what he says. His best quality is he’s a gentleman who treats women well.

Maybe you have an asshole read but a nice guy is the one who is reading you because you don’t even know how to react to any of this.

What happens in these relationships are at first you reject him slightly and keep him at arm’s length questioning him when you has no reason to. Expecting the worst. Then you watch yourself fall a little faster.

And this guy you deemed as too nice is suddenly consuming your thoughts. This guy who is spoiling you and treating you well all the time, you now start to look at him with the admiration he deserved the whole time.

Then you become afraid because you’re used to relationships ending and someone blaming you for it. Victims of toxic relationships have the tendency to take complete ownership of the entire relationship because toxic people never do. When something goes wrong you are getting screamed at a belittled and blamed. The phrase you’ll hear so often, “if you did this right or differently I wouldn’t have reacted that way.” Projecting blame onto the victim.

Conflicts like these lead you to apologize just to move on and make him happy. But when problems and fights arise with a guy who is decent the difference is he works through it. You’re used to putting some temporary band-aid on the problem but he teaches you about resolving things and moving forward and not using it as blackmail later on.

You begin to look back at your old relationships wondering what the hell you were even doing wasting so much time on people who didn’t deserve yours.

Suddenly your efforts of overcompensating and trying too hard are met with someone who does the same.

Girls who come out of toxic relationships feel that they alone aren’t enough so they have to do things that prove they are worthy.

But then you meet someone who proves they are the worthy one.

He looks at you the way no one else has before. Taking your hand gently, opening every door, answering every text, kissing you when he feels like because he’s happy to have you. Not letting you touch your wallet, going as far as picking you up even if it’s out of his way. Suggesting meeting the family.

And you think back to a time when all you ever met were family members in passing never being introduced with some label wanting something so much more and thinking if you kept trying maybe you’d get it.

Eventually you got tired of it.

You take a chance on someone you wouldn’t usually and it’s the best thing they’ve ever done because suddenly the love you gave others so carelessly is coming back to you .

You used to say three words in hopes he’d stay. In doing so you learned to fear love or rather loving someone who couldn’t love you back. These relationships gave you a skewed definition of what love was and you began to believe it was confusing and complicated and full of such high and lows. Or worse that you were the one that was hard to love this whole time.

But a decent guy is the one to teach you the opposite. He teaches you how simple and honest and great love can be when you get it right.

The after effect is obvious, she’s always going to be a little self-conscious. She’s always going to question what is true and what isn’t. Relationships will always give her a bit of anxiety.

But what a decent guy teaches her is the right relationships add confidence not just to her but to him, helping her to heal. And it’s there she realizes what she deserved this whole time. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Writer living in Hoboken, NJ with my 2 dogs.

Keep up with Kirsten on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok and kirstencorley.com

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