The Real Reason She Chooses Emotionally Unavailable Men

God & Man

She’s the one who was always in control of her life. The one with a plan. The one who enjoys playing by her own rules.

Then love came into the picture. And it wasn’t some half-hearted love story. It was the real thing. It was the relationship that changed her. The relationship where she put it all on the line for someone else. The relationship she let someone in so close that when they hurt her, she lost herself. And in a desperate attempt to try and win him back she became almost completely opposite of the version of who she knew herself to be.

But she healed. Or pretended to. And as time went by she made a promise to herself she would never put a man before her priorities or goals. That when she falls in love again, it won’t come with such sacrifice. But love for her didn’t come because she put up such high walls and she wouldn’t let anyone in. Or the people she did let close to her were the men who were challenging. The men who didn’t require commitment. The men who kept her at arm’s length too.

She swore she wanted a relationship but she was still overcome with fear of someone entering her life and changing in a way that would mess up her routine. So instead of falling for decent men, she’d fall for ones she knew had the common theme of the same ending. Something not working out. Her getting hurt and let down and disappointed again. At least if she was choosing these types of people she knew what the ending would be.

It wouldn’t be one where she’s jumping on the first plane she could, pouring her heart out, almost risking everything for a single person. She fell in love and she got hurt and she lost the person she used to be. The one who believed in love so deeply.

The truth is, it isn’t that she doesn’t know real love or know what it’s like to have it reciprocated. She knows it’s power and when she got it right, she changed and was willing to do anything for that other person.

She thought back to the pain and the tears she cried, questioning her self-worth. She made the decision no one would ever make her feel that way if she had any say in it.

You might say she dates foolishly going for a certain type who never commits or gives her what she deserves but what she’s really doing is protecting herself.

When she goes for emotionally unavailable men, she’s still maintaining a relationship whether it’s physical or emotional or both. All people need that. But she keeps them at a distance.

Even a person who has been hurt the worst needs part of what appears like a relationship to emotionally function. So she goes for these people who give that to her without, strings attached or obligations.

What it comes down to is control. But to obtain a healthy relationship requires each person to give up their control and trust someone else. Be vulnerable. Be available when the other person needs you. It’s making someone else a priority. And that’s what she struggles with.

So she chooses people won’t make her a priority either. She chooses someone who isn’t going to commit because under the surface what appears like she’s so strong is fear of commitment and fear of being the one who gets hurt again.

She learned that the one who cares more and shows it is the one that gets left. So even if she has a heart of gold and is loved by a lot of people, there’s a wall she hides behind when it comes to relationships.

Don’t call her bad at dating. Don’t tell her she has a poor taste in men. She doesn’t. She knows exactly what she’s doing. And you can’t blame her for being afraid.


The truth is she’s choosing emotionally unavailable men because she’s the one who is emotionally unavailable also.

As much as you can say things about the guys she’s choosing, she’s the one who is continuing to make that choice.

She chooses the wrong ones out of fear of getting it right. Because when you get it right then you have something to lose. When she gets it right, there’s a chance they can leave. But if she chooses someone who always comes and goes, she grows numb to goodbyes and it doesn’t hurt anymore.

When she’s the one hurting herself that means no one else has the power to.

And that’s what this game is about power and who has more and whose is going to give it up first. And she’s not going to.

So what you see is a girl in and out of casual, almost toxic relationships and compare it to the rest of her life there are a few things that don’t line up.

The number one thing you’ll notice is how every other part of her life is healthy and good except the relationships she chooses.

Look at a girl who is confident and successful. Someone who has good friendships and a great family. Someone who is smart and ambitious and achieves a lot. Someone who takes control of every part of her life and takes ownership of it.
Then you scratch your head at ‘why she’s bad at relationships.’

It’s not bad luck. Her relationships are what they are because she chooses those people.

Pain changes people. And it’s hard to look at yourself in the mirror or look back at those moments where you felt weak and vulnerable and lost simply because of a relationship that ended. Strong women aren’t graceful when it comes to someone else taking them down and them being so emotionally affected by it. Eventually, they do get back up but when they do they make a promise to themselves, that will never happen again. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

Stop searching for happiness in the same place you lost it. Change is not dismantling the old, it’s building the new.

“The main thing socially intelligent people understand is that your relationship to everyone else is an extension of your relationship to yourself.” — Brianna Wiest

“The things you love about others are the things you love about yourself. The things you hate about others are the things you cannot see in yourself.” — Brianna Wiest

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