If He Was A Better Man Maybe Then It Would Have Worked Out

Clem Onojeghuo

You look at yourself in the mirror and you have to keep saying, ‘I’m better off.’ Because it’s better to be alone than be with someone who doesn’t appreciate you, value you and constantly show you they care.

All of that sounds nice. All of it makes sense. But when your heart is involved suddenly everything that is rational goes out the window. When you love someone and care about them sometimes you let them get away with things they shouldn’t.

When your heart is emotionally invested in someone even if it’s not that healthy of a relationship, your heart tends to win over your head.

So you stand there looking at yourself in the mirror, saying over and over again, “I deserve better than this.” Like saying what you know is true will suddenly turn your heart off. But it doesn’t because caught somewhere between logic and self-worth is your heart.

When a relationship turns toxic and it suddenly hurts to maintain, you let go of what is but it’s heartbreaking to look back at what was. You look back at every good moment and every memory when you were so good for each other and it just fit.

Then without even realizing something changed within each of you and these pieces of this puzzle that used to fit together so well are jaded and broken. And that’s what hurts.

Relationships change as do people and you’re caught somewhere between looking back at what was, looking at your reflection at what is and not taking it so personally.

Suddenly it’s 2AM and everything hits you and you’re falling to your knees alone in the darkness missing the ghost of who he used to be and what he meant to you.

And you say it again to yourself, ‘It’s better this way,’ but then you wonder how can something that hurts so badly be good for you?

It hurts to let go. But when you’re holding onto something that just isn’t there anymore that’s when it becomes toxic to your and destructive to your wellbeing.

You run the other way even in those moments you want to turn back saying to yourself ‘you have to do this. You have to move on. You have to heal because you deserve to.’

Sometimes we cling to people that hurt us and that feeling that is unfamiliar is really you letting go of the pain you didn’t deserve to cling to.

You got so used to being hurt and let down and disappointed those feelings became so engraved and so much a part of you.

And suddenly it’s 2AM again and you reach for your phone thinking back to every night it was your conversations that kept you awake not his absence.

Then you begin to realize why it didn’t work out. Because you deserve better than this pain that consumes you.

You deserve someone who is good and kind all the time. You deserve someone who looks at you like they are the lucky one.

You deserve more than someone whose mind changes about you whenever they feel like. Someone who looks for you to mess up just so they have a reason to be mad. A one-sided relationship on someone else’s terms. And all you did was wait and watch hoping this time maybe he’d mean what he’d say and he’d follow through this time. Remembering a time when he was everything good you could have wanted.

But you see he’s the last thing you need.

You don’t need someone who looks down at you. You don’t need someone who thinks they are better. You don’t need someone who takes you for granted and thinks you’ll always be there without them having to do anything to deserve it.

And you loved him as deeply as one person could love another but it wasn’t enough for him and you looked at yourself like you were the one not enough.

You miss the good parts. The memories that you never thought would hurt. The laughter you didn’t think would turn into tears. The pictures where you don’t even recognize who he became in the end. The love you so deeply believed.

It’s okay to miss him. It’s okay to cry over what was a loss. It’s okay to feel these things so heavy.

Allow yourself to feel through these emotions until you rid yourself of them.

But what you have to realize as you look at yourself in the mirror and you’re awake at 2AM overcome by all of it, realize you gave your best, you loved your hardest and there was nothing more you could have done.

It’s now on him.

The guilt. The pain. The loss. He should be the one feelings those things.

But it’s you because you valued the relationship more than he did. And it could have worked out. If he was kinder. If he was better. And that’s what it comes down it he’s wasn’t a good enough man for you and every bit of love you poured into this thing couldn’t change that.

But the goodbye that broke you will be replaced with another hello and someone who is going to count their blessings someone failed to love you the way you deserved. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

Stop searching for happiness in the same place you lost it. Change is not dismantling the old, it’s building the new.

“The main thing socially intelligent people understand is that your relationship to everyone else is an extension of your relationship to yourself.” — Brianna Wiest

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