I Refuse To Let My Pain Change Me

Matt Nelson

I refuse to let pain change me into someone I’m not. I refuse to let others who can’t seem to reciprocate what I have to offer influence the way I love people or the way I love myself.

I refuse to let others mixed signals and confusion divert me in knowing exactly what I want in a relationship and not stopping until I get it. I refuse to play the games people seem to have grown accustomed. I refuse to play by their rules because I don’t understand it.

I refuse to succumb to commitment or lack thereof in this generation where it’s suddenly cool to be casual. Where it’s suddenly cool not to care. Where it’s suddenly cool to be unsure of each other. I refuse to be that type of person.

I refuse to let endings make me fear something beginning again. I refuse to let heartbreak and disappointment stop me from continuing to try. I refuse to let those who do not see my worth influence the way I look at myself in the mirror. I refuse to stare at my phone wondering why someone didn’t answer because how someone treats me is a reflection of them.

I refuse to stop trying when I care because that says something about a person. But I also refuse to compromise my self-respect trying to keep someone who doesn’t want to stay.

I refuse to change the way I love. Change the way I feel. Change the way I date. Just because it’s a little different. I refuse to lower standards some say are out of date or old fashion. Because I know there are still people wanting that same thing too.

I refuse to hold back when it comes to matters of the heart because when something feels right you go with it. And when something scares you that’s exactly what you might need.

I refuse to let my past dictate my relationships in the present. I refuse to let fear rob me of something that could be great because could get hurt. The truth is I know I’m not promised anything and there are no guarantees but that’s why you just have to go for things, that’s why you just have to invest everything into someone or something and hope for the best. And even if I lose I refuse to stop being that type of person who goes all in. Because if your heart is there you can’t regret the choices you make.

I refuse to chase after people who don’t value me enough to stay. Because I know the right people always will.

I refuse to enter relationships with only half a heart because whoever that person is, deserves my best. I refuse to let my brokeness, my backage, my scars dictate my present but instead wear it all with pride.

I refuse to blame my past and the people in it because when you learn and grow that’s you’re winning.

I refuse to give up on love because I know what it’s like to get it right. And when you do it’s the best thing that will ever happen to you. Call me a hopeless romantic. Tell me I’m too much sometimes. Judge me for a heart that will always be on my sleeve.

But when the time comes and you’re tired and you’ve lost faith in love and relationships and people, I ask you to come to me. When the time comes and you need to feel something again and you are done with these games we play, come to me with your problems. Come to me with your past. Come to me with every mistake you’ve made and the things that keep you up at night. Come to me with your pain. And I will love you for all of it.

I refuse to let a cold world that thinks they are heartless rid me of this thing I so deeply believe in. Because whether we want to admit it or not we all need love and that one relationship we all secretly pine after, which will make everything worth it.

I probably love a little too hard but I’m always going to believe in it. I refuse to ever stop being that person because if I do then I’ll know they won. TC mark

Kirsten Corley

Kirsten is the author of But Before You Leave, a book of poetry about the experiences we struggle to put into words.

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